A journey of faith and of love

Off days

2012-01-19T14:19:00.001+08:00

Bi-weekly, I will enjoy a Thursday off (though that is on the condition that I work on Saturday that week). Wednesday night I began to plan what can I do the next day. So, what did I do today?

I woke up at 6am for my nightly routine toilet break. Geo was very nice. He always try his best to wake up and make the trip with me (sometimes despite his tiredness). It suddenly hit the both of us that after March, there will be no more sleep ins, there will be no more couple time whenever we want. 7 years later, we would have to learn to wake up early (& I mean early) to make breakfast and get her ready for school.

Suddenly, I had a quick flashback of myself when I was very young. My primary school was just downstairs, a cool 5 minutes walk. Every night, mummy will look through my homework. Every morning before the sunrise, mummy will prepare breakfast. Daddy and mummy will go to work. There were a couple of years when mummy did her part time night Diploma course. On hindsight, now I wonder where mummy got all the energy from.

After the quick flashback, I dozed back off to Zzz-land, part 2. After 2 hours, woke up and had breakfast with Geo and as he was preparing for work, I went back to Zzz-land part 3!! Haaa! I woke up more refreshed. Once I was up and about, I can't seem to sit still.

Checked out the food available in the fridge and cooked my lunch. After that, cleaned the stove, scrubbed the lines in between the tiles. I find myself addicted to this scrubbing. Initially, it was just one cross that I was working on.. Soon, I was working on the whole kitchen. Honestly, it was such satisfaction!

My OCD-ness

Macaroni lunch

Movie for the day. A 1979 show about a wife's departure, a couple's divorce and a fight of son's custody. I must have watched it when I was in Primary school...? I kinda figured that this is probably the show that opened me up to what family life, couple's relationship and empathy is all about. :)

Little Faith

2012-01-18T22:33:00.002+08:00

This has been such an exciting period of time for Geo and myself. Even before little Faith is out, she is already so well loved by many - aunt, grandmother, mummy's friends and colleagues. She has been such a blessing to us. Already she has taught us so much. Through little Faith, I experienced just a little, very little, of God's love for me. Suddenly the verse that speaks about God already knowing me when I was in my mother's womb became so real.

As the little one got more active, we began to guess where is her location inside my womb. Is that bump jutting out her elbow or her knee? Is that the little hands that moved. We also realized that little Faith respond pretty well to music. She would move each time I turn on iSis Trio's cello, harp and violin! Secretly, I hope that she would take up a string instrument. I am already imagining how things will be like to have father and daughter play music together.

I am enjoying the little one within me yet I can't wait for her to be out to hug and kiss her. Every kick excite me, every movement brings a smile to my face. Daily, I pray that labor will come easy for me. :)

Spiritually, daily, I will exchange fear with faith. Exchange fear with strength. The entire pregnancy has taught me lots and I know that Faith will teach me much more.

--------

Dear Faith, bear with mummy cause as many clients and children that mummy has helped over the years, mummy know that having you is something new in daddy's and my life. Know that we love you dearly. Even before you are out, you are already dearly loved. Do you know that every night, daddy will listen to you? Each time you move, daddy will excitedly come to mummy's tummy. Daddy also likes to chat with you. Every night, daddy will kiss you goodnight. Of course, there may be one or two days of exception because daddy was too tired after playing for church service.

Faith, always know that you are dearly loved. Not just by daddy and mummy or aunty or grandparents.. You are dearly dearly dearly loved by God. God knows you already even when you are inside mummy's womb. Your name was impressed to daddy by God. :)

Faith, this is daddy talking to you.

... and this is little Faith 29 weeks inside me.

Faith

2012-01-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

30 weeks

This week, your baby has reached about 40cm long. She weighs about 1.3kg, roughly the same as a head of cabbage. Nearly a litre of amniotic fluid surrounds your little one. That volume will decrease as your baby gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus.

Your baby's eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very sharp. Even after birth, your baby will keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. She will respond to changes in light but will only make out objects a few inches from her face.

Another 9 more weeks and little Faith will be out.While I was sojourning down south at Perth, getting pregnant was the last thing on mind. Thus I didn't do any tests though physically, the thought passed me by. I was extremely tired during the entire trip which I attributed it to the cold winter wind, a sudden de-stress from work, the freedom to sleep all I want.However, tiredness continued after I returned and I decided to do a check. That evening, Geo was in the church's conference practice. I did what I normally wouldn't do - call him during practice. I was so excited when the stick showed a clear positive sign! Thereafter, it became a joint decision that we will keep it hush hush because we were worried of the many "what ifs".

Fear, however, crept in 3 days later when I started to bleed. Amidst all my calmness, I feared. What kept coming back to me was the time I spent with God at Perth. Then, He clearly told me - San, I am for you. I am with you. Do not fear. Called Geo, went gynae and got one hormone jab, 2 packs of hormone pills and 2 week of bed rest.

That weekend, I didn't make it for the church conference and Geo was asked by plenty of his LG members where was I and he brushed it away intentionally and changed topic quickly. It was finally at one point during the conference that he was convicted by God that we should step out in faith and claim that God will see the pregnancy through.

At home ground (on bed), I was also spending time with God. I was again reminded that He is for me and with me and He will grant me strength - Strength that no one else can give.

In his excitement, Geo smsed me of his conviction and shared that he had a very strong impression that we will be having a girl and that we will name her Faith. Faith. I love this name so much. Thus, right from the 5th week, the little Aw in me has a name - Faith, Faith Aw.

It was a such a thin line between faith and fear. No doubt, there were slight injections of fear here and there. There was a morning when I got so worried cause I slept so well that night! (The many nights before, I didn't sleep well because the little one was kicking me so much)... Just as quickly that fear crept in, I was quickly reminded me of the life Job. He had everything but in a very short time, all was taken away from him. However, Job remained filled with faith and trust in the Lord. Then, I prayed - that all I want is the same faith that Job has.

A quick recap

2012-01-16T20:32:00.003+08:00

It has been such a long time that I actually came to this space to air my thoughts. Time kinda stopped for me, perhaps to grieve, perhaps to reflect, perhaps to take stock of life.

After the miscarriage in Jan 2011, Geo and I had our first spiritual retreat as a married couple. We cried, we talked, we prayed, we worship and the Lord impressed upon our heart to let go of the pain of the loss, to live a life that's loved by him and in doing so, finding His favor in our lives. The verse He gave us for the year was from Psalms 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.". And so, we embarked the year wanting to fully trust God.

On a personal note, it didn't come easy for me. I would be slapping myself in the face if I were to just simply proclaim that I no longer feel the pain of the loss of the child. Pain came when friends who were pregnant around the same time as me delivered. Pain came when I hear complains from parents of their children. Pain came when I had to attend to a client who wanted to abort her child.

Finally, I decided to do what I did before - Run away from Singapore. It was timely that I was sent overseas so I 将计就计... Extended the trip and traveled by myself. It was an amazing trip back to God.

Where was Geo in all of these? At this point of time as I am typing this away, I recognize how different man and woman can be. How Geo grieved was different from how I grieved. Through this, I saw his total dependence on God. Unlike him, I dwell more. It's one thing to say "Ok God, I let go.", it's another thing to say "I still want to hold on a little more." If there is one thing I felt most throughout was a sense of thanksgiving that in the whole matter, Geo never once felt that I was naggy, upheld me in prayers and trusted me to be on my own extended solo trip.

I came back refreshed and 2011 really started in July for me. :)

Things happened very fast thereafter. That - will be in my next blog.

A heart like David

2011-02-26T12:40:00.004+08:00

When I left Singapore for Brisbane, I appreciated that there are so much space. Easily I could see the sky. The richer ones could also pay a plane to conjure words in the sky (That was how proposals and companies did their advertisements!). If you ask me now 'What do I miss most?', I'd probably say 'The skies.'

A decade on, I have learn to enjoy the skies in Singapore. I believe a Christian life is like trying to peer through the obstacles of trees and buildings, just to get a glimpse of the blue skies. If all is easy and smooth, then where is the growth? If all is so-wonderful, would I mature in my spiritual walk?

Just a few days ago in preparing for caregroup discussion, I was reminded the soft and broken heart of King David in 2 Samuel 12. Prophet Nathan, summoned by God, went to David and rebuked him for committing adultery. When Nathan gave an illustration, David was quick to point out who was in the wrong and in fact, he "burned with anger" and insisted that the man must die!

Then, when Nathan told David in the face that HE was like that man, David immediately repented (Psalms 51). It was such a sorrowful Psalms. It was so heartfelt, so broken. His immediate reaction when he was corrected was not "NO, can't be me! How can it be?". It was filled with repentance and he begged for God's mercy.

I began to see why was David placed in high esteem in the hall of fame in Hebrews, along with many many others. They are not perfect beings. They have their flaws and weaknesses. Yet, in the midst of all their pitfalls, they have a heart that is attuned to God. I believe, God honors that.

I want to learn to have a heart like David's. A heart that longs for God, a heart that only want to please God. As I peer through the many obstacles, I know that what lies beyond are the promises God has installed for me.

-Touched-

2010-12-02T21:00:00.002+08:00

2 Sundays ago, I was leading my Hopekids Lifegroup on the topic of Service. I began to think to myself - How can I bring out the point of serving others to 8 year olds? They are kids never in lack. So, how can I bring that point across?

I decided to share with these 8 year olds the work I did in a Children's Home before. I shared with them the mode of entries to the Home - emphasizing more on the orphans. I shared also beautiful these kids are. I then asked them to make Christmas cards to the Children Homes in Singapore.

I love drawing time. I love how they snatch the colors and splash it across their paper. I enjoyed it totally when one kid made a mistake and drew what looked like a H into a star above the Christmas tree.

Now, just as all the kids were hustling and bustling circling around me snatching for colors and paper, there was this one kid that was seated a a corner. He probably lifted his bum off the floor when he needed to change his colors. When my friend and I wanted to peep, he refused to let us see. I kinda just paid lesser attention to him (since he was so nice & quiet).

When all was done and handed to me, I dismissed the class after a prayer was said. I went through every card, amazed at their drawing. When I reached the Quiet Boy's card, I gasp at the beauty of it. In his nicest handwriting, he wrote "I hope that all of you will have a better life in future." At the bottom of his words was a picture of a gift box. He drew and arrow and named the box - Christmas gift of Happiness. On the other side of the card, he drew plenty of cone trees. In between 2 trees, he drew 2 stick men, 1 taller than the other, holding hands, as if it's parent & child.

That was like the best thing that had happened to me that Sunday. That answered my question - What is my capacity as a Christian Social Worker? It's not just to solve problems. It's not just to ensure that their lives is up and running. It's really to show the love of God to whoever we speak to. In all that we do, we do it out of love.

Lord, refresh me and teach me your ways. Help me to see through the eyes of Jesus. Give me the simplicity of a child.

Seasons in life

2010-12-01T13:55:00.004+08:00

I have grown to appreciate the different seasons in life. The learning, the letting go, the healing, the pain. The adjusting to new things, the failing, the laughter, the joy, the tears.

I have come to appreciate that I don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to be weak. It's okay not to have answers to all things.

There is, indeed, a time for everything. When I was young, it was the time to absorb and rely on my parents for answers. On the reverse, as an adult with my mother now, I am taking time to appreciate how to answer her questions and fears. When I was young, I thought what it'll be like to be married. Then I went through the roller coaster rides of laughter & tears falling in and out of relationships. Now that I am married, I saw how silly I was in those previous relationships. Yet, somehow, there was this gladness that I went through the pain.

Life at work also has its season. Trained as an Engineer, I never thought how absorbed I could be as a helping professional. It is really one thing to remind myself to 'draw the line' and to really draw the line between a client and a worker. After leaving my alma mater that saw my foundational years as a Social Worker, I finally found myself slowing down & breathe. Irony of it all was that it's in this process that I began to wonder - What exactly is my capacity as a Social Worker? What is my role? Who am I as a Social Worker? I began to cast doubts upon myself on whether am I even fit to be one.

Like an orange, a few months back, I started this peeling process. A layer at a time - First the thick skin then the veins (or whatever that's called). By and by, I saw how closely entrenched in a relationship I was with the children I had worked with. What was not my responsibility, I took it all upon myself. What had gone wrong, I blamed myself. What had been right, I don't remember giving myself more than 2 pats on my own back. Humble? No... Definitely not. Digging deeper then I saw that this IS how I often manage situations in my life. First point of blame often is not others. It's often what have I not done enough, what could have been done better?

It was a humorous process how God sent his healing and answers to my questions. Now, I am more rest assured in this promise made - "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it BUT God made it grow." I am but the hands of God in my workplace. I am glad for the open doors at my current organization where I am also under the umbrella of the Christian faith.

Looking back, I think God has been really kind to me. His grace is so ever sufficient. I may have been like just bumping around but He really knows my needs better.

Thank You - Beautiful Exchange

2010-08-15T21:44:00.003+08:00

Other than memories gained from Vietnam trip, I also had some leftover bacteria somewhere in my body system. I kinda reckoned that with me being so careful with what I drink, it could JUST be the ice that gave me diarrhea. Well, doctor said it is food poisoning. Quite an interesting way to spend my birthday this year - overseas and living in a toilet.

Anyway anyway... I started this entry not about me being down with food poisoning.

My mind was kind of blown off during church service. I was late, very late in fact. I arrived barely before start of worship section and slightly after praise section, feeling pretty dull & sore from all the diarrhea that I had been having. I quietly sat down in my seat & I prayed. I just wanted to commit my heart to God, knowing that after all, my heart is really all God wants. We begun to sing the song Thank You by Hillsong. My heart melted as I ponder on the lyrics.

Scenes of the Hmong & Dzao & the villagers flashed across my mind. Images from Hanoi city flashes across. Memories of the fishing village people flashed across. And all of a sudden, I felt so so so so immensely blessed. I can't put a word to my feeling but to be able to stand & lift my hands up to praise God was suddenly such a blessing. The ability to have the liberty & freedom to proclaim God in our lives is such a privilege. Tears start to fall. I felt like a baby again. I haven't felt like this for a long time.... and I thank God for being with me all through my valleys deeps and mountains tops.

What pumps the heart...

2010-08-13T12:28:00.004+08:00

Taking off & landing always sets my heart pumping. Departing Singapore gives me the joy of being away from a bustling city. Landing in another country sets me excited for what is to come.

Made a trip to Vietnam & back and it seemed like my heart is still very much stuck up north, the very north of Vietnam - Lao Cai. Went to the all-famous Sapa, mountainous area filled with dry rice fields & corn with animals roaming around. There are many tribes in Vietnam & the 2 main tribes in Sapa is the Red Dzao (or otherwise known as the Yao or Dao) and the Black Hmong. The Black Hmong seemed to dominate the area.. Very little Red Dzao seen.

They earn a living with their handicraft skills. Baby carriers, bags, pants, etc. They also grow Indigo plant for their dye. I saw a lady weaving like what was shown in the fairy tale - Rumpelstiltskin!

The Black Hmong accompanied Geo & I down to Lao Chai village. Along the way, we stopped by to rest and the very young children came running to us to sell things like bamboo poles (for trekking), embroidered wrist bands, etc. To a certain extend, I felt pestered. It was pretty much of a heart wrenching moment & mixed feeling for me. On one hand, modernization of the place & being able to bring in tourists brings income to the villagers. Money will definitely bring in better quality of life. Traditions & authenticity might just get compromised.

Scenes of children as young as 5 or 6 years old carrying their sibling babies on their back etched deeply in my mind. I saw this lady, perhaps about 15 years old, held the hand of a little child. The other hand held her handicraft to be sold to tourists, looking lost. Eyes had no life.

I had questions that has no answers. Do they want this life? Do they REALLY want this life? Our guide told us that they will have difficulties working in Hanoi city because of their ethnic language. However, at the same time, guide seemingly assured also that the girls, when grown up, will want to stay on to help their parents in the village. I try to find comfort in that they really want to stay on. Yet, those lost eyes kept calling out to me.

I also wondered how the little girls feel when they accompanied the tourists. I was in a group together with 3 Caucasian ladies and they were accompanied by very young girls who spoke very very good English. When the ladies offered them chocolate, their eyes lit up as they shared it amongst themselves. I wonder then, what thoughts go through their mind, having to serve different tourist every day.

Geo & I were accompanied by 2 ladies. There was a point where I nearly slipped and Shao quickly extended her hand to keep me steady. Her hands were so weathered. It was almost an embarrassing moment for me when she asked me for my age - 33. She was just 5 years my senior but she looked 2 decades older than her age.

All that said, besides my mind being boggled, I really enjoyed seeing how free the children were. We went during the summer holiday so the children did not attend school. We were told that the kids learned how to swim naturally. They played freely in the river and the current just pushed them downstream. Nature became their best teacher. Watching them reminded me of the book - The Little Girl at the Window by Totto Chan. Nature is our best teacher.

Towards the end of my trip, I cannot help but count the little blessings in my life. I know that when I return to Singapore, got back to the swing of the bustling life, the experience in Vietnam is probably just going to fade in my memory. But, I do pray that my heart will remain soft & supple. I do not want to lose the feeling of compassion.

God's perfect timing

2010-06-02T16:25:00.002+08:00

I remember myself smiling in my dreams this morning, just before I woke up.

I dreamt of daddy and in the dream, I see daddy making effort on his own to stand up and walk. He was also smiling at me and on the opposite side was my mother. I saw her smiling too.

Then, I was startled by my phone ringing tone. I overslept and my father in law called to wake me up.

The dream was queer, at least to me, because since my dad's stroke, I hardly see him make such great effort in his ambulation on his own. To make the dream even sweeter, my dad was smiling so sweetly. I don't know how to interpret the dream but the dream warmed my heart, knowing that daddy's with God. I am sure that he is pleased with his children's life.

---------------------------

Life as a married woman has been very pleasant for me. I often tell my colleagues, friends, etc that I have a more understanding husband than he has a more understanding wife. I guess, at the end of the day, it's not about who is more understanding than the other. It's about giving and taking appropriately with love and respect.

Living apart from my mother didn't seem as difficult as I had envisioned it to be before my marriage. (Trust me, I was preparing for the WORST!) It helped a lot that Geo & I stay over at my mum's place once a week or twice a week. It helped a lot also that my mummy's tech saavy!!! She plays Farmville on Facebook!!! Well, the point is not that she plays Farmville. The point is that Facebook chat, then, became our avenue of communication.

As for staying with my in-laws, I am speechless at how well taken care I am. I now understand why people say "When you choose a husband, get to know his parents first." Geo's parents are such gentle and kind-hearted people. It's no wonder why Geo is so gentle. Although we stay with his parents, we do still make sure that we return home for dinner at least, at least, once a week.

At the end of it all, after 4 months of marriage, one major thing I learn is Time Management. God has given us 7 days in a week. It should be more than sufficient - nothing more, nothing less.

What do we have?

2010-05-26T23:15:00.002+08:00

"Do not lament for what we do not have. For what we lack, it will be provided in what we already have... Only if we look deeper, harder and learn to appreciate things more."

Often, we look really deep at what we do not have, crave for something that others have, long and desire for things which we do not even know whether we need or not. When we look into our lives, we cannot see what we already have.

Today I was servicing 2 patients. 1 never seemed to have enough. 1 was so thankful even with the little that we are offering to help him with. Irony of it all is that the one who was thankful was very much in lack. Yet, the one who never seemed to have enough seemed to have everything.

I remembered the story of this man who was hanging on to his life at this cliff. He prayed and prayed for God to rescue him. After awhile, this helicopter came. He rejected the help and said "God will rescue me!" Another helicopter came and he rejected believing that God will rescue him. Yet another helicopter came and again he rejected. He finally died and went to heaven. Before God he asked "God God! I trusted in you! Why didn't you save my life?" God answered "I did.. I sent 3 helicopters to rescue you.."

I kinda thought that often we are so focused on seeing results the way we want that we missed out that there are other perspective to it. Often we missed out on the things that we already have and forgot to appreciate them.

2010-03-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

Work at the hospital has started, sort of. Cases hasn't been assigned to me officially. Last week was orientation that somehow left me a little disoriented. After 4 years of being a community worker, it's quite a bit of change adjusting into the hospital system. The word 'bit' is probably an understatement and there are new processes which I'll need to reconcile. Nonetheless, everything is still too early for constructive feedback of how I feel.

Conversation between godson John and Geo

2010-02-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

Last Sat, Geo has got his usual weekly lesson with my younger godson, John. This was what transpired.

John: Uncle Geo, last time you got go godmummy's wedding? *looks at Geo innocently*

Geo: Hmmm.. Yes I got.

John: Er Uncle Geo, will godmummy have another wedding?

Geo: Hmmm.. I don't think so.

John: Huh? No more wedding? *exasperated*

Ultimately to him, a young kid, a wedding's to play and have fun. Oh! Also to get to eat anything on the platter.

2010

2010-02-18T12:24:00.003+08:00

Oh man.. I didn't realized that I have been away from the blogging world for so long. I have to admit that since the last post, I had many draft posts. However, my mind had too much random and all-over-the-place thoughts and the posts remained as drafts. Last year was a pretty uptight and stressful year for me - both personal and work.

After much decision, the Residential Home I worked at closed end December. I took that as a closed door for me finally. I have wanted to resign about a year or two back. The desire to leave got stronger Sept last year but I never got down to doing it for the lack of peace when I prayed. I believe part of me was also the responsibility that I was holding on to. In a very small way, I played a part in piloting this Home project. At the same time, I know the implications of a worker leaving a case. The new worker will have to start all over again - knowing the kid, knowing the family. With the Home closing, I felt more at ease leaving and so... I left.

Amazingly, after resignation, I felt my appetite returned. I knew I was stressed up but I didn't know I was really that stressed up. Recalling last year, I really thank God for His strength and faithfulness in my life. Amidst my dad's passing and grief, there were work issues & politics to manage and wedding to plan. I truly thank God for his presence in my life. I had family who were very supportive. Geo withstood all my mood swings and often was at the brunt of my anger. Thank God for buddies who hear me out whenever I need to. CG who prayed for me.

With my wedding at the beginning of the year is good. I see it as a brand new start to a new phase in life TOGETHER with a new job. I just returned from my honeymoon feeling refreshed inwardly. During the honeymoon trip, I also visited 2 small churches. The size and simplicity of the church was refreshing. The sermon was the back-to-basics type, God's love, God's faithfulness, relying on His Holy Spirit. It brings me back to the basics of God's love.

To say that I am not fearful of what the new job will bring is rubbish.. However, I bask in my new refreshed spirit and want to learn how to rely on God more this year. Resolution of the year is that I will be a good steward of my time. In that, I really mean to say to manage my time well to have sufficient time spent with God too.

Compassion and 聽

2009-11-30T21:16:00.002+08:00

Today was the Family Group Conference Refresher's training and the trainer, Vince, shared on the role of the coordinator. What is the role of this coordinator? What are the values this coordinator should have? Who should this person be? Amongst the many words to describe the role and values, Compassionate and 聽 left a deep imprint in me.

Prior to this training, Compassion, in my perspective is just a word to describe a feeling. Going deeper into its origin and history, the word compassion comes from the Latin stem Compati, meaning to suffer with. 'Com' is 'together', 'Pati' is 'to suffer'. Compassion, then, is more than just a feeling, more than just feeling. It is a together thing. Compassion is to suffer together with someone.

As the word was explained, I felt that all this while, I had taken this word for granted. Now I know why Jesus chose the nails for me. Jesus is described as compassionate. He suffers together with me, He suffers for me. He does not just feel the pain I go through. He goes through together with me.

We also went through the Chinese traditional word 'listen' - 聽. When we break up the word, on the left hand side, is the word ear, 耳. On the right side is 目, describing eyes. 心 means heart and finally 一 means unity, undivided attention. When we listen to someone, we should listen with undivided attention, noting body languages, listening with our heart and ears.

At the end of the refresher, my heart was in a state of having different feelings all at the same time. On one hand, there was a sudden surge of gratefulness in my heart. I was filled with thanks that someone was so willing to suffer together with me, to suffer for me. It is not something I do not know yet today, it somehow struck me so deeply. On the other hand, I do feel a sense of *hmmm* disappointment with myself. Yes, I tend to be people-oriented, friends do thank me for listening to them, friends have commented before that I am compassionate. However, today I ask myself - Do I live up to the word 'compassion'? Am I willing to suffer with someone? Do I really practice the art of listening? Do I listen with undivided attention? With my heart and my every being? Do friends feel they have my total attention when they look for me? Have I over the years grown cynical? Have I? I remember a few weeks ago, I shared with my buddy that I feel very unheard. Have I been hearing others then? Hmmm..

Ok, food for thought. Enough thoughts for today.

Melbourne Afterthoughts

2009-11-21T18:52:00.007+08:00

Last week this day, I was on my way back home from Melbourne. Time flies heh? Often I wonder "What my future lies?" Anyway, just want to jot down my afterthoughts from my 14-days trip.

On caring
People would not know how much you care until they see how much you care.

I was teamed with a classmate for a game called "Present upfront". We were given 10 mins to get to know our teammate - Where are you from? What do you do? What do you like to do? After we got 2 mins to present to the rest of the group who is our teammate.

In the 10 mins while I was questioned, I felt interrogated. However, in the next 2 mins, it was presented like I was my teammate's best friend. I felt queer.

I asked myself "Hmmm... How does my clients feel when I speak to them? Sometimes, the work requires lots of questioning and questioning, in essence, can feel like an interrogation. We do social work because we want to care. Yet, does people know we care if we question interrogatively?

Disclaimer: This is NOT a complain. It was just how I felt at that point of time.

On self-awareness
I was having lunch in a Missions House. This Missions House serves the destitute, the homeless, the poor for specific regions by giving out food. Unless we have a card, we would have to purchase our own lunch, which is very cheap.

Inside the Missions House, my colleague and I did the usual - took photos. As we had a classmate who joined us for lunch, we got a little "high" taking photos, posing here and there.

While we were laughing happily, this old man walked to me and in his indifferent slow speech, he said "I have never taken a photo before because I have never owned a camera before."

Immediately, I teared. I felt so sorry. So sorry that I totally forgot where I was and there I was flaunting my wealth, camera, watch, money to buy food, etc. I felt so shameful actually. I don't mean to but donning the hat of a tourist, I totally forgotten where I was.

On passion
7 years ago, I had wanted so so much to stay on in Oz after my studies. Then, I felt I had the burden for the people because I felt that there were many who professed they are Christians but many were just Sunday Church goer.

In this trip, I realized that 7 years ago, I wanted to stay on because hmm... I think I was young. I wanted to be away from family. I wanted my so-called Freedom.

Over the years since I returned, I have developed a passion for my own people. I remember 4 years ago before I started my internship at Beyond, I questioned myself - Can I love people? Knowing that I have my fair share of complains of Singapore, I prayed for compassion. Sitting through the training, I found myself relating things I learned back to how it can be relevant to who I work with. I know, then, that I have grown to love my home country.

On hospitality
In the first hostel I stayed in, there were so many rooms for its guests. Yet, there were only 3 bathrooms. There were one night where I got so tired waiting for the bathroom that I slept without bathing. Also, when I first arrived, we were not very well-received.

In the second hostel, we were complimented with smiles and 4 eggs. we thought that was it but as we went to level 2, I was pleasantly surprised by the hallway. On the left were all the rooms. On the right were toilets and bathrooms. The ratio between rooms and bathrooms were fantastic.

I kinda thought of the facility I have at work in Sembawang. The facility we have is great. Lots of rooms, more than enough bathrooms so there is no need to fight. Perhaps the only thing we are lack of is probably genuine smile? Hmm.. Hospitality maybe? Understanding of whichever family we have there? As a recipient at 2 hostels, I understand the importance of having the reception understanding my needs and having to meet it! What worked well for my heart was also the warm welcome I received.

On appreciation
In the training, we had classmates coming from various countries - almost all classmates were involved in Social Circus.

In one session, a classmate shared about his youths holding onto pistols and knives, not to fight but to protect themselves. There were more sharing made along this line.

I was humbled. Very humbled. Whatever I did face or am facing is nothing nothing compared to their sharing. I began to appreciate where I am living, a secured and sheltered place.

Now, whenever a complain is at the tip of my tongue, I bite it to remind myself how blessed I am.

Melbourne Menus

2009-11-20T00:34:00.015+08:00

I was on my company budget for the first 5 days. Next 8 days, no way am I ever going to spend $15 per meal! So, travelmate and I decided that COOKing is the next best deal!

List of food stuffs purchased for 8 days:
1 bottle of 4 litre water
2 bottles of 3 litre orange juice
2 bottles of 1.5 litre Coke
1 bottle of 330ml Coke
3 bottles of red bull
2 bottles of white wine
2 bottles of Tasmanian Beer
2 packets of Kettle chips
1 packet of Nachos
2 packets of microwaveable Lasagna
2 bottles of Leggo's cream sauce
2 basket of sliced button mushrooms
200grams of shaved ham
2 round bread
1 Double Brie cheese
1 Brie cheese
1 can of Chunky Beef stew
1 packet of DIY Japanese creamy soup (from Singapore's Daiso)
4 eggs (Free)
3 potatoes
4 corns
1 packet of ready-made fried rice
1 packet of Diana's sauce
1 packet of Black Pepper Steak sauce
1 packet of Kangaroo steak
1 packet of beef steak (Too bad the Rump Steak was not on sale)
2 McDonald's lunches
1 McDonald's hotcakes breakfast
1 Vietnamese Beef Noodles from Mekong at Swanston Street
1 plate of Big Breakfast (Omelette, mushrooms, avocado, bread, etc)
2 Fish & chips

Day 1
Lunch: Vietnamese Beef Noodles @ Swanston Street
Dinner: 2 packets of microwaveable Lasagna
Snacks: Double Brie, Penfolds White wine, Chips

Whilst waiting for Wen to arrive, I made my way to the supermaket to settle dinner. Bought a packet of chips to snack and 2 packet of microwaveable lasagna.

Wen arrived, rested and we made our way to the city, with only one goal in mind - Check out if Mekong, the Vietnamese restaurant @ Swanston Street is still in operation. That would be our late lunch! We were absolutely delighted to make our way in, looked at how physically, there isn't much changes. Yet, I was sort of amused that orders are taken from PDAs. The waitresses saved the trouble from shouting the out loud. She doesn't even have to walk to the counter to place our order.

Anyway, lunch was GOOD. The noodles tastes just as good as 8 years ago. It went so so well with the Vietnamese iced coffee. To 'die' for. Haa! Then we went to the supermarket to get some drinks (juice & wine) and cheese.

Dinner was settled via the microwave - 2 packets of lasagna.

Returned to the room to chat over double brie and white wine. Slept really well.

Day 2
Lunch: Big Breakfast (Omelette, mushrooms, bread, avocado, etc)
Dinner: Carbonara Fettucine with ham and mushrooms
Snacks: Remaining chips and 2 Tasmanian Beer (yucky!)

Slept till I decided I need to go toilet pee. Hee! By the time we set off, it was already about 1030am, I think. We took a slow stroll to St Kilda's beach. I felt that I have been to Melbourne 3 times and yet never been to the must-go St Kilda's flea market. The weather was getting quite scorching so we stopped by to purchase a bottle of coke at a rather steep price. Prior to the flea market, we decided that our stomachs were calling out to us so we stopped by for brunch - Big Breakfast.

After St Kilda's beach, we went to Queen Victoria Market and got 4kgs of nuts! On hindsight, if I knew, IF I knew that I would be going to stay at the backpackers opposite QVM, I wouldn't have bought the nuts so early! Gosh! Lugging 4kg of nuts back to Prahan, Chapel Street was hellish!

Anyway, we were SO hungry after all the lugging so we had quite an early dinner, 7pm. Early because sun sets only at 8pm. Haha!!! Made Fettucine in Creamy Carbonara sauce. We added about 100gms of shaved ham and load of fresh button mushrooms, a MUST.

Now you see it. Now you don't! Yup! I gobbled it up!

Day 3
Lunch: Roasted Chicken and Orange Juice
Dinner: Carbonara Fettucine (Remaining chicken, ham, mushrooms) and Orange Juice

Before we hit the Motorway, we dropped by supermarket to get a roasted chicken for our lunch. After driving about 2 hours, stomach growled. Stopped at a carpark and start gobbling the chick down! Hee.. I tackled the thighs, friend tackled the breastmeat. Very good partnership here..! Hahaha!!! Btw, chicken's cheap and tasty!

Dinner at Port Campbell was at 9pm. We quickly packed our daypack and left our luggage in our boot (Shh.. Haa!), went to our room, put our stuffs and went to the lovely HUGE kitchen to cook.

We didn't finish our lunch so we used the oil from the chicken to fry the remaining of our button mushrooms. Added that oil to the water to boil our Fettucine and we had a HUGE plate of Carbonara Fettucine filled with mushrooms, remaining ham and chicken. It was YUMMY but a little too much for a late dinner.

Day 4
To-go Lunch: Chips
Sit down Lunch: Fish and Chips
Dinner: Chunky Beef soup and 4 eggs

On our way to the Grampians, we WERE searching for food BUT couldn't find any. All we saw, along our way was houses. I asked my friend, do you think we can just knock on their door and ask for food? Hahahaha!!! Well, thank God we had chips and nachos so that became our on-the-way-fill-stomach type of lunch. When we arrived at Halls Gap, we decided that even if we were not hungry, we better eat something. Got into this US-drama-looking quiet restaurant and got a plate of Fish and Chips each (which tastes a little hmmm... too fishy for my liking).

At Grampians, we lodged ourselves at Tim's Place and opened the can of Chunky Beef soup. Cooked the 4 eggs we got with compliments from our previous backpackers. It was yummy! Amazingly, we eat our eggs the same way. I adore the yolks. :P

Day 5
Lunch: Ice cream, remaining chips and nachos
Dinner: Ready made fried rice (thumbs down) and DIY Japanese creamy soup (thumbs up!)
Snacks: Nachos

Returned to Melbourne City. On the way back, we didn't feel like eating. Somehow, personally, no mood for food like Fish and Chips. So after our short trekking trip, we had an ice cream each and the drive back, we finished our remaining chips and opened our packet of nachos.

At City, we went to grocery shopping and bought stuffs to cook for the remaining days.

We had cravings for rice so we got ourselves a packet of ready-made fried rice. I put in a little too much water and the rice was a little too soft. Then again, even if the water was of a good amount, I do not quite like the taste of the fried rice - too much garlic. The packet of DIY creamy soup was good. We threw in carrots, mushrooms and potatoes for our carbo and it tastes really nice!

Conclusion: I am very asian. Hmm.. or am I very Cantonese? I love soups!!! Haa!

Day 6
Lunch: Round bread + ham and coffee
Dinner: Kangaroo steak + Diana's sauce topped with corn, mushrooms, carrots.
Snacks: Cheese and nachos

That's how simply we settled lunch. :)

Somehow, the Kangaroo steaks were really cheap so we went for it. Side dishes were carrots, corn and mushrooms. Pan frying the steak and mushrooms with butter was very nice. Fatty maybe. But nice. Our supply of orange juice never seem to run dry. :P

Day 7
Lunch: McDonald's Angus and Quarter Pounder burger. It was YUMMY! The beef was so juicy.
Dinner: Beef steak + Black Pepper Steak sauce topped with corn, mushrooms, carrots.
Snack: Remaining cheese, nachos and Brown Brother's white wine

Finished up the remaining Fettucine too! Only thing wasted of the entire trip was half a chunk of butter. :P

Day 8 (return home)
Breakfast: McDonald's Hotcakes and remaining Orange Juice
Lunch: McDonald's Grand Angus small meal
Dinner: Singapore Airlines

That's about it! All in the name of saving money and having fun, we cooked! Friend and I decided "If we can do it in Oz, we can do it in Sg." Will definitely do so.

Melbourne Itinerary

2009-11-18T00:36:00.005+08:00

I didn't realize that I have been away from cyberjournalling in this blog for so long (beside the last entry on my trip). Been busy juggling with a couple of stuffs. Three major events would be my boss leaving for her own country, closing my department and preparing for a wedding - mine. Haa.. (Don't mind this blog. It's gonna be LONG cause I'm just transferring things from memory to words)

After my training with NICA (National Institute of Circus Arts), I spent 8 days free and easy in Melbourne City and further down south. A friend came over from Sydney and all we had on hand was a car rented for 4 days 3 nights and an itinerary that heads us to Great Ocean Road. After Day 1, the rest of the itinerary is empty.

Yupz! And so, we collected the lovely Toyota Ascent on Monday. It was lovely! It's an auto car! I forgot how great it was to be driving an auto car. My blackie's on manual gear and it's most troublesome when there are jams! Anyway! Yup! We got our car from Hertz @ Franklin St and thought "Why don't we make enquiries to stay at a backpackers in the city?" We pop into one beside Hertz and it was only $2 above the cost of the existing one we were staying at. Yay! & we thought that staying in the city would have been a huge difference. Well, apparently not. I was SO glad to be out of Back of Chapel, for various reasons. :)

Before heading towards GOR, we went back to pick up our luggage and to cancel our reservations (upon return) and made our way to Safeway & Coles (2 largest supermarkets in Oz). Our plan was to stock up our food storage so that we can have sufficient food for 1 lunch and 2 dinners. (I will have another entry on our meals)

Navigating the GOR wasn't tough other than the winding roads and giving way to tailgating vehicles. It was totally free and easy so we did quite a slow-enough drive and stopped whenever we wanted to. We decided to skip Torquay and head direct for Apollo Bay, stopped by Split Point Lighthouse. When we finally arrived at Apollo Bay, we were undecided. To look for accommodation first as it was already 4ish pm? Or to enjoy the scenery of the 12 Apostles. We decided - Accommodation. However, the one place which we went to has its owner away so we drove off. I forgot how we made the discovery but we were astonished to find that Apollo Bay was not where the 12 Apostles were. Ok, I sound really silly here because any map would have told us that the 12 Apostles is at Princetown. Don't ask me what made 2 of us even think that Apollo Bay is it! Nonetheless, we laughed and we moved along another ~100kms more.

With more winding roads, less ocean scenery and one koala walking along the road, we arrived at the 12 Apostles lookout at about 7ish, I think. That was a total of 292km traveled in total! That was almost almost about the mileage I clocked in Singapore on ONE busy day!

Click click click and there goes my camera. At this stop was also where I found that I am lacking in space on my SD card! Thankfully, I have done my backup so can happily delete the photos. I realized that whilst everyone was busy taking shots of the scenery, I was busy taking photos of the irritating flies that bugged me each time I was out of the car, taking photos of people. I love candid shots. Oh yes, I have made another discovery on myself! I am more interested in taking photos of people than photos of nature. I love to capture "That moment!". I love expressions through eyes, through smiles and laughter. I love those crow lines beside the eyes. The look, a cuddle, a hug.

Now, this is where the highlight of the day/night came in. We stayed at the 12 Apostles for the sunset WHICH was at 8:30pm. Time just flew us by. We did not realize that it was already 8:30pm. Like mentioned, our itinerary mentioned nothing of accommodation. We really didn't know where we would be making our stop so we thought we would enjoy being slightly more adventurous. So yes, we were late. 8:30pm sunset and we reached the nearest town - Port Cambell close to 9pm. Other than the restaurants, we thought we had to sleep in the car. We went to the first motel and woah!!! It was $100, $30 more than our budget per night! Best, we can't cook in a motel. We cannot not cook! We bought food to cook! Well, even if we didn't buy food to cook, we were too broke to eat in any of those atas-looking restaurants. We were asked to make a 5-sec decision. We looked at each other, almost knowing the one thought in our mind - What if this was our last chance at an accommodation? Well, I guess we decided to trust that God will provide. We said our thank you and we left, frantic. Haa! Drove to a backpacker with no one around. Called the number, flew to an operator who wasn't around. Went to another motel and apparently, it was in partnership with the previous motel. Bumped into a Swiss couple and they too were looking for accommodation. We found solace!! We hopped opposite the road to ask a hotel and was told that they were running on a full house BUT, they recommended us to a new hostel - Port Campbell Hostel - that was just round the corner (which we thought was a dead end!) as they may JUST have space.

We had such a warm welcome at Port Campbell Hostel. The place was HUGE. The receptionist was still around and they had a double room for us!!! It was $5 above our budget but it has all we wanted! Wonderful toilets/showers. Fantastic cooking equipments. Lovely dining area. And oh! Why was the welcome warm? The guy at the reception offered us 4 eggs! What awed me was God's providence in all of this. You see... We arrived on 9 Nov. The hostel was opened on 8 Nov!!! God must have, MUST HAVE, gone way ahead of us.

The dinner was goooooooood. Really really truly good... Took our shower and went to get something off the car. What was supposed to be a 5-min take-and-go became a stroll. We were awed by the stars in the sky. We stood there amazed for awhile. That night, we slept very well and woke up the next day - still with no plans in mind. Although, I must say that if the trip to the Grampians can be done within a day, we would do it. Haa! So that was just what we did after breakfast - We asked the reception. She said it can be done in 4 hours. Sounds good! So off we went!

We stopped by a place called Port Fairy, as recommended by the receptionist. She told us that it was a lovely place to swim but guess what? The water was freezing! However, we both enjoyed just dipping our feet into the clear blue water and admiring the lovely skies and enjoying watching families.

After Port Fairy, we got kinda lost. We thought we had to turn right into Expressway B140. However, the map we had wasn't clear. B140 was another Freeway. We kinda made a few U-turns and decided to turn into C178 towards Hamilton. ~200kms, passing lots of farms, stopped by for one ice cream break, lots of chips in our stomach and we reached Halls Gap at about 3:30pm. The weather was SCORCHING hot! After the fish and chips that we had, I felt faint from the heat so instead of roaming around, we decided to look for accommodation. Thankfully, there was an information booth at Halls Gap so we took the easy way out and asked them for directions. Found a backpacker that has one last room - for us! - and it was $5 lower than our budget! Seriously, pause for a moment, it just has to be God. Previous stay was $5 above budget. This stay was $5 lower. In total, we were right on DOT!

The sleep was wonderful. Again, I wanted to go to the car to grab my pen and was once again stunned by the twinkling stars up in the sky. This time, it seemed nicer cause the place was darker and I thought the stars looked as if they were bigger, maybe because we were in mountainous areas. The one thing I really miss seeing is stars. Singapore is too cloudy. It hides all the stars. Then again, Singapore is too well-lited. Stars can't be seen all that well. The vastness of it all is always breathtaking in my sight. If I could, I would photograph it down. If I could, I wish the night would be longer. (Hmm.. maybe that's why I love winter. The days are short, the nights are long.)

Next day, it was back to the city time - boring. Prior to returning back to city, we decided that since we were already at Grampians National Park and that the mornings are USUALLY not full-blasted hot yet, we can trek a little. We decided to go for The Balconies and the McKenzie Falls. My advice - NO Grampians in summer! Hahaha!!! I have to say that the view was okay. Yes, spectacular in its own ways but the weather was a tad too scorching for my liking, really. I was also surrounded by dried up trees. The colors were off, things looks dull. Fogginess seemed smoky. McKenzie Falls was a better choice for me cause it's water!!!!! We walked down to enjoy the feel of water next to skin. It was fantastic! Well, the walk back up nearly "killed" me. Makes me wonder why am I so weak. I do exercise! Hmmmph!!!

ANYWAY! After conquering the Falls, it was already nearly noon. For me, I just wanted to stay in the car and not walk anymore. Hahaha!!!! And so, we made our way back to Mel City. Even if we had wanted to extend another day (which I did thought of it since I do not like being in a city), I better be practical and know that we really didn't have anymore $$$$$$$$$$$$$ for car rental AND petrol. Haaaa!!! This time, the route back was very easy. North-East towards Ararat then East towards Ballarat and finally Melbourne City. We didn't really want to stop midway, don't ask me why. We two very feeling-driven people just didn't feel like making stops that day.

After 892km over the few days, after spending so much time looking at nature, farms, fields of greens, skies of blues, clouds of whites, I really hesitated being in the city, filled with people. I'm funny la... I love observing people. Yet, I struggle with having loads of people around. Well, needless to say, nothing too happening with the remaining days spent. Bought quite a bit of nuts and chocs and toys for family, friends & my P3 kids (funny how I started always not wanting to buy anything for anybody and I ended up buying nonetheless).

It's funny really.. On Friday when I woke up, I went "Yay!! It's Friday! I am flying home tomorrow!" And when I woke up on Saturday, I went "Huh? I am flying home today? Gosh!" No, I was not dreading home. I was dreading NOT knowing what to do before I take off at 5pm. :S I hate waiting.

Ok, post is way too long. I doubt anyone who survived here would have understood my itinerary inside out. Thanks for reading though. Haa! This entry is more to retain my memories... :D Next would be our menus.

Melbourne Trip - Training at NICA

2009-11-17T14:25:00.002+08:00

I received a call from boss in June asking if I was interested in attending a course, Train the Trainer via Circus Arts, in Melbourne. That - of course - truly was an understatement. I have always been in awe of circus arts. Seriously, gone are the old days perception of Circus where it's all about animals and clowns. Yes, there are still the flying trapeze, tight rope, etc. What intrigue me is Social Circus where Circus Arts is simply a platform, a medium to outreach to people who are hurting, who have been hurt badly. Circus gives people a sense of confidence in being in control of their bodies, which probably may have been battered so badly. It also give people the sense of "Yes I can do it!". It cultivates discipline and increases the importance in their lives. There would be a percentage of kids/youths who may perform badly in terms of academics but maybe be kinestically inclined and one does not need to know how to write and read in order to participate.

So, June, July, August, September, October and you have no idea how long that 5 months had been before I could fly! In all honesty, going through the training was exciting. More exciting was the fact that I could stop work for awhile. Yup, it has been quite a journey at work for me, constantly fighting against something that I can't put my finger on. There were frustrations and inadequacy which no matter how I flick it off, it won't go away. Personally, there were also some changes in life which I had to grapple with. Nothing major but somehow, I was somewhere in life where I feel I was slightly thrown off balance. Maybe a bit too much of work and stuffs thus too little time for a pause.

I planned for a little more than just the training. I extended another week in Melbourne. The training jolted me up a little. For one, I realized that I have forgotten what Fun is like. The entire training was conducted without the need for notes. We were told that Thursday would be a boring day of dry stuffs but that night, I wondered - what was dry? In replacement of notes, the training was conducted via games to bring out topics like Ethics, Outreach, etc. Personally, I also get to experience what's it like to push through challenges through Circus, feeling accomplished somewhat. We had the chance to have a go at tight rope, foot juggling, trampoline, flower stick, juggling, diablo and even simple warm ups. I get to experience, first hand, what's it like to be in total control of my own body, knowing that it's the upper body that I have to control when doing tight rope, lower half of the body I have to control when doing foot juggling, where the centre of gravity of my body is when I jump on the trampoline, how to flip myself over when doing a jump, etc. I was able to understand what this ability to control can be like for a battered wife or an abused child or even a youth who is rejected in school. Personally, I marvelled at how silly I can be when it come to games. Often, I forgot how fun really is like. A lot of times, I tend to be in control of myself, be careful of what I say, be wary of the people around me, be wary of how it may perceive to others, etc.

One other thing I observed of myself is my natural ability to be shy and yet, loves to put myself in challenging situations. Basically, there were only 2 asians in the training, colleague and myself. Seriously, I am just naturally quiet. I never really know how to make or initiate conversations, especially in a group. I do feel intimidated, somewhat. However, given me a one-to-one/small group conversation, I do fine. I can talk until the sun sets. It's interesting also how open a book I was. A few classmates came up to me after the course commending that I was very brave. They shared that they could tell I was very shy and was interested to know why did I even put myself through the challenge of being in the course. It offered myself quite a new perspective. To me, it was usually "Just do it. If fail, then remedy. What can go wrong anyway?"

The adventurous part came after the training. I had a friend who was on a work trip in Sydney so she flew down to Melbourne on Saturday to meet me. Wonderful gesture cause she could have saved the money, save the trouble and return to Singapore. People often say that you can experience 4 seasons in Melbourne in just ONE day. They were SO right. The first week, we were SO SO SO cold. I needed my hooded jacket up my head, I needed leggings underneath my jeans, I needed to protect my neck. It was so so cold. Following week, I needed sleeveless and shorts. Literally, the lesser the better! And so, we rented a car for the road trip to Great Ocean Road (GOR) and beyond on Monday. Sunday was just free and easy spent at St Kilda's beach. I shall blog the road trip in another entry.

Beliefs

2009-10-02T00:24:00.003+08:00

After 4 years as a social worker, hmm... I am feeling a tad purposeless. For the past 3 years, I worked with the belief that a child should not be living in an institution for long term. The child should be returned back to his natural environment as soon as possible. Of course, 'as soon as possible' means that there will be a huge amount of work to be done with the family members.

There are various reasons why a child is taken out of his home. In general, 1) Home is not safe; 2) Child not safe with adults; 3) Respite for caregivers. I strongly do believe that whether it's (1), (2) or (3) or any other reason, work with the family to empower and strengthen them is so very important. The minute the child is in an institute, workers should be looking at his discharge plans. If not, the child will just slowly drift away into the institutional system. They will slowly adjust the living in an institution, they will slowly drift apart from his parents/extended family/guardians/etc and root himself in the institute. When rooting takes place, easily family members might hands off, hands down and give up.

I often likened a child's emotional growth to that of a slow boiling water. You won't know it's boiling until a long time later. What I am talking about is the repercussions of the effect of staying in an institution. The child grew up in his natural environment (despite the poor condition), got plugged out of it and enters a beautiful place. Child is then safe. Often, the work is stopped here - child is safe - all is happy. Looking a tad further, though child is safe, work is still very necessary with the family - parenting skills, befrienders, cleaners, volunteers, routine, structure and what have you. Unless that environment is improved, no way can the child be returned.

Well, that is still my belief & that made my work at the residential institution I am working in very happy, very satisfactory (despite the tears and pain). However, my belief has been very much challenged these days. I do not want to explain too much in detail but after 4 years, this mission has been challenged by various bodies. I do feel a great sense of disappointment. I feel the pain of the child. Many children, honestly feel the pain of being pulled away from their family, even if it's for their safety. They still long for them, cry themselves to bed. I am NOT saying that I don't want the children to be safe. For some cases, the child NEEDS to be out of the family. I am, however, advocating that more work is needed with the family so that their child can be returned to his own family. Else, the growing phase is a pain to bear - searching for identity, great sense of independence but no sense of belonging, sense of generosity questionable.

*sigh* all that is out, all that is said, all of the above is not a one size fits all for all cases. Every child is unique, every family is special thus every method ought to be individualized.

For now, I need to re-frame myself.

Thought of the day

2009-09-10T00:55:00.001+08:00

When adults are in control, being totally ready for acting up behaviors and handles children with a LOVING firm hand, children can be guided properly. Societal problems goes way back to upbringing and family support so when our family unit is strong, there is a high possibility of a better world!

Now that I have the theory, I better remember to put thoughts into action!

Expect the Unexpected

2009-09-08T01:22:00.003+08:00

"Expect the unexpected and you won't get too surprised when the unexpected visits you." I heard this so many times...

... and I wished I had remembered the above statement when all these changes begin to surround me again. Haa! Tiredness sets in, wondering when will there be a longer peaceful break between the changes. Getting irritated and short-tempered also become more of a norm. (please forgive me if I snap!)

Yet, amidst the tiredness and reluctance to accept changes, there still is this part of me that bears a tinge of excitement for the unknown.

Nonetheless, life is still a journey and I am convicted not to be brought down by circumstances but be strengthened by its process.

Faith

2009-09-04T00:11:00.002+08:00

I haven't been feeling at my top-est form these days. I shall not explain or describe too much about the frustration and anguish until I can put a finger to it.

Till then, I am just gonna hide God's word in my heart. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1"

From Dictionary.com, the word Sure comes many other words like Free from doubt, Reliability, Confident, Worthy of confidence, Stable, Unfailing, Never disappointing, Unerring. From Certain comes Inevitable, Bound to come, Established as true, Fixed, Definite.

So come what may, storms, typhoons, I am seated firmly and definitely on the Rock, my God, stable & established. It will pass and hope is there waiting.

I have been listening to too many Cantonese songs, making me feel too Mel.. So I reverted back to some uplifting songs. Nothing like Amazing Grace to lift me up. I had blogged an entry on Kam Ning before and here's the version of the performance I watched on Channel 5, 5 April 2009. Am on repeat mode.

Preparation

2009-08-26T00:01:00.003+08:00

I did not realize that my last blog entry was 25 July, exactly a month ago. I would believe that this is probably the longest time I have been away from blogging.

Life has been pretty hectic. I have just taken on a new role at work that will take place officially only year end. Currently, I am preparing to take up the role year end (and I am already so so close to pulling my hair out). Personally, Geo & I have started preparing for our wedding next January.

I remember when I was young, my parents will often remind me "Fail to plan, plan to fail". If I fail to plan for the future (be it a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly or even a 5-year plan), I am, in actual fact, digging my own grave.

In July, when our wedding date has been decided, I started to 'work' on the preparation work planning ahead with knowledge that my co-worker will be on leave in August, Geo is on course in August, I will be on attachment half of September, away from Singapore half of November, staff shortage whole of December. I am so thankful - really - that we started our preparation early because right now, wedding plans is right at the back of my mind.

Taking on the new role has been most reluctant for me. I am a runner when it comes to any leadership roles. I do believe that when the need arise, I am able to lead. However, I have lots of fear when it comes to leadership. I have been running from this for nearly a year already. I feel like I have been like Jonah, running here and there but only in circles. It may sound bad but yet, on the other hand, this one year has helped me in preparing my heart, observing what is needed to be done to fulfill this role.

Preparation is a huge word in my dictionary. Preparation involves planning. It involves the unseen - future. Preparation is tiring. Preparation is tedious. Preparation is absolutely needed. I recalled Jesus' life. When his earthly mother told him to perform his first miracle, Jesus asked why did she involved Him and that His time has not yet come. When Jesus came to earth, He already knew what was to come and his 33 years of ministry on earth was to prepare the way for us to heaven. So, preparation is a very biblical process!

So... yes, life has her challenges for me. However, I am very thankful that each day, I can breathe in the air God provided. He gives me no more and no less. He is my sufficiency.

Master

2009-07-25T15:46:00.002+08:00

Today is declared Dogs-grooming day! Each time I send my 2 dogs for grooming, along will come Abu..! Hee!

Today, Abu's owner was caught up with something so mummy and I went to pick 3 dogs up. It was havoc! It was messy (without Abu's owner)... Previously when Abu was at my place, it was him who bullies Sparkle, knowing that he has his backing of his owner. Today, Abu's all alone in a non-familiar environment and the only 靠山 (backing) is the famililar me. Sparkle, the smart one, seeing that Abu's all alone, bullied him. I believe there was a tinge of jealousy from Sparkle sharing me. Normally, only Sparkle would be sleeping on my bed. Today, I allowed Abu up my bed. Sparkle refused to let it go and made sure he come up as well. The thing about these two malteses is that when they sleep, they really sleep. HOWEVER, when disturbed, they get really alert and agitated with each other. So Abu was happily sleeping, Sparkle disturbed him and he woke up. I had to finally break the fight by putting them one on each side! Sparkle on left (and as I am writing this, he is at my foot) and Abu on my right, then, both slept till Abu's owner returned.

After the whole incident, I felt that ultimately, 一山不能藏二虎. There can't be two tigers living in a mountain. One of them, somehow, would have to reign over the other. Just like when Sparkle came in to my house, Spanner's position as the ONLY dog was taken away. Likewise, when Abu came today ownerless, it felt as if HIS position as the ONLY dog allowed in my room and on my bed is taken away.

The situation brought me to the song "Lord, I will bow to you". It's a very nice song. Lyrics are simple and truly, I cannot serve more than one master.

Once upon a time.....

2009-07-24T15:16:00.003+08:00

..... at least about 6 years ago, I was traveling along Great Ocean Road in Melbourne and was in Kangaroo Island, Adelaide. I was especially mesmerized when I was at Kangaroo Island, the simplicity of life.

Then, I had a dream. I commented to my friend "If I have a farm, I want a pair of sheep, a pair of chickens, a pair of goats, a pair of ducks, a pair of lambs, a pair of whatever. Then I will plant some crops. So each time I eat something, all I have to do is to go to my farm and see what I have..."

It's a dream very far far far away. Heehee.. Buying the land alone is already a cost I wonder where to pluck money from. Where to have that farm is also the next interesting question.

Well, thanks to Facebook, at least I get to own a 'farm'. Hahaha!!!! Yes, I have been farming and totally enjoying it.

No.. It's a grapefruit! No la, it's an orange! No no no...

2009-07-17T18:09:00.004+08:00

After dinner, mummy excitedly went to grab an orange, choosing 1 out of the 3 which she bought. She commented that it's Sunkist orange (so must be very sweet). Yet, she said that she ain't sure why it smells like grapefruit. Nonetheless, she brought it to where I was (washing the dishes) and started peeling.

As she peeled, it started to look like a grapefruit to me. The flesh was red and it does smell like a grapefruit. Mummy, however, insisted that the signboard says that it's orange and it's Sunkist brand, how can it be grapefruit.

We shared the grapefruit, each half. It was sour! By the time I reached the last 2 pieces, I had to pour some sugar over it. Refusing to believe that we got "cheated", I went to the other 2 so-called oranges to check. They were stamped with Sunkist logo and it smelled like grapefruit.

After that episode, I thought to myself. Life is as such. I was really expecting a sweet and juicy orange (craving) but I was thrown with the truth of a sour grapefruit. Often times, we get little surprises like these in life. Things may not go our way. Our lives could either be placed on a hold because of a sour grapefruit or it could move on with a dash of sugar!

Thanksgiving!

2009-07-05T23:05:00.005+08:00

Quick post just so that when I look back, I can smile when I read this post.

Today was Streetwise Run Day! Today was a rainy day! Today, I bathed under the sky and it was such a wonderful feeling.. (although the aftermath of it was a very very cold journey back to the Home). Nonetheless, I had to blog this happy day!

1. Beyond Social Services being so big, me being 'trapped' in an ulu place in Singapore, far away from my other colleagues, I always enjoy organization-wide events like this. I caught up with my ex-office colleagues. It was nice just laughing and jesting around. Some who are already mothers brought their children and it was such a ball!

2. While waiting for our bus to arrive, I walked over to speak to my colleague and this fat & cute 7 year old boy (who doesn't know me) saw me walking over, stretched out his hand for mine. He took my left hand, intertwined his fingers with mine, brought it to his lips and he gave it a little kiss! Then he looked at me eyes opened wide and everyone went "Wah..... the other hand leh!" Then he got all shy and walked away. What caused him to do that, I do not know. Maybe I look too pathetic in all-wet clothings!

3. Thank God for Deborah who came, ran, got wet and lent me her slippers cause I was more than drenched.

4. Have I ever shared that the first time I cleaned shit and backside was at my Home? I thank a little girl who gave me this opportunity and somehow, the toileting, the teaching of ABCs, the fetching to & fro has cause me to love this girl deeply. Thank God for a better home environment, she returned to her parents last year. She is always in my thoughts, often in my prayers. Sometimes, I will wonder 'Does she remember me? Is she living a better life?". Today, I met her again! When she saw me, she walked straight up to me, took my hand, pulled me down to her level and gave me a tight hug. I love this girl. Indeed.

5. After the event, I reached Tampines just in time to meet Mummy and Carol. They had a wonderful dinner and was waiting for me to choose my gift. Thank God for family!

6. Speaking of family, last night, I had a wonderful time with my extended family. It was my little nephew's birthday, my cousin's son.

Laughters.

Honestly, it was something I really miss over the years. Remembering when I was very young, 5 or 6 years old maybe, my mum and her sisters will organize stayovers at company bungalows. Carol and I will really look forward to those times cause it means the beach, sand and fun! It means meeting cousins again! As we grow older, such get-together times grew lesser.

Technology have really progressed. Before, we compete whose sandcastle is higher. Now, my little nephews compete who can complete which level for PSP. I feel that gone are those days where we laugh through physical play. We wrestle, we feel the sand.

Nonetheless, I thank God for my cousin Michelle who arranged for this family gathering.

A bungalow party in 1984. We were standing in front of daddy's car.

Celebrating my gong gong's birthday at my 6th aunt house. Other than weddings, birthdays are quite the best time for gathering.

My cousin Audrey's daughter! Such lovely unique look. I enjoy seeing her play bubbles.

Cousin Audrey and Cousin Ee Cheng. Can spot them from the above 1984 photo?

Ah yes, I 'stole' Carol's crocs slipper! Not mine. :P

Cousin Ee San. She's really the best! She links us all up all the time.

YEAH! Birthday boy!

Generation 1

Generation 2 and 3
I do have quite a huge family - a social capital I never thought I had and now, I thank God for them!

Taare Zameen Par (Like Stars on Earth)

2009-06-24T23:27:00.004+08:00

Watched my first Hindi movie today. Initially I was appalled when boss talked about this really wonderful Hindi movie but thought better keep an open mind.

I was glued to my seat!

A few things I took back home with me:

Perspective: The world is what we make out of it. A few months ago, a grandmother told me that her grandson was not scared of cockroaches when he was young. However, his mother screamed at the sight of it and since then, the boy was scared. The child grew up free of fear, however he was taught a new perspective.
A child has the ability to spin new dreams. Do not destroy it. Build it up!
It is easy to hurt a child. It is not easy to undo the pain inflicted.
5 uneven fingers make up a whole hand! Nothing is ever perfect in this world. It is how we want to work hand in hand with imperfections.
Also, punishments and consequences will NOT be effective if we do not know the root of the problem, the meaning behind the behavior. E.g. Fever is a symptom to tell that something is wrong with your body. Fever is never the root of the problem. Likewise, a misbehavior is a symptom of a pain somewhere.

Humbility

2009-06-22T18:12:00.003+08:00

Yup! You did not read wrongly - Humbility!

I was chatting over lunch with a friend and she blurted out the word 'Humbility' and I nearly spitted my drink out. Whatever word was that boy!? It's a combination of the words Humble and Humility. Gosh.. I was thinking, how much more humbling can that be?

Humility, in my opinion, is tough. I led discussion during CG last week and of all, I chose to speak on Paul's life, a life of humility. The verse that caused me to feel small was 1 Corinthians 9:19 "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible." Gosh..! Reminded me that the very reason why I am in a Social Service organization is to be a servant to man, to serve man. Yet, how very often, am I humble enough to wash their feet?

Anyway! After Hong Teck's sermon yesterday, I decided to take out all my dad's records. As I was flipping through it, the desire to get a turntable increases. I grew up loving Carpenters, Theresa Carpio, Cliff Richard, ABBA, Paul Anka, Francis Yip. My friend teased "You are a 60 year old woman in a 30 year old body!!"

*R.E.M.I.N.I.S.C.E*

A blessed life.

2009-06-21T21:04:00.005+08:00

The yearly adults' church camp came and went. It was one of the most interesting camp, in my opinion. Moving officially to Hopekids ministry caregroup, most of my friends from my caregroup attended the Hopekids Camp so I was alone without a caregroup. This year's camp was themed Heroes.

I left the camp with plenty of blessings. I am blessed with a group who adopted me during this camp.. Blessed with journey mercy traveling on my own.. Blessed with time to catch up with an old friend.. Blessed with time away from Singapore, a good retreat with friends and self.. Blessed with a job that I can return to and thus can eat all I want and what I want and buy what I like.. Blessed with the rhema word of God that I brought home with.. Blessed with love, grace and mercy from the One above.

I returned from the camp fully convinced with Jeremiah 17:8 (KJV) - For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.

Didn't take much photos.. Just a few..

Just to show how amused I was the entire day!
Geo was on the line or sms almost the whole day!

Revamped my home to make it homelier. :P

Went cycling at East Coast Park.
My breath was taken away when I saw how simple life could really be for some.

Yesterday (Saturday), I asked mummy casually "Mummy, you cooking tomorrow?" and she replied "If you are coming back for dinner then I will cook lor." It hit me then that I want to cook for my mummy.

After dinner, we thought we would Wii before we have our bath. The weather these days is TERRIBLE!

Spanner's just bent on getting his toy!

Doodlings

2009-06-07T02:38:00.004+08:00

The past week was quite a feat for me. It started out with staff retreat on Monday and Tuesday. I saw crayons and pens and I can't help it but draw (it's whiling away time and er.. trying to digest how the retreat went).

On Monday, I reminded myself that there is ALWAYS light in the tunnel. It is just a matter of how do we get to 'see' that light. Sometimes, it could be just myself being so fearful that I am the one not letting go and shutting my eye. Sometimes, all it takes is just for me to keep walking and while walking, skip, sing, jump. I will get there. Key word that came to my mind was to keep persevering.

On Tuesday, 2nd day of retreat was kinda in a 'I-wait-for-you-you-wait-for-me' mode. Moods were still low, faces were still dull (for a lack of a better word). Don't ask me why I drew a tree and flowers but as I was trying, I kept telling myself 'Life can be so much more fun! - if only one person makes a tiny effort.', 'Life can be colorful! It can be.. It's how I want to color it.'

Tuesday's retreat didn't exactly have a closing because I had to be excused to manage a case. So from Tuesday all the way to Friday, I was hyped up over this case, losing sleep - wondering on hindsight, what could have been done to salvage; wondering how to move on; wondering what is really in the best interest of the child and family.

Thank God, time DOES NOT stay still. It moves. Finally Friday came and I felt like a burden off my shoulder - in a way.

This morning, I was sharing with my mummy of this case. She listened with intent and asked appropriate questions. I had a short afternoon nap and I went off to meet Geo at his g'ma's wake. While driving, I started asking myself 'Why do I want to be a social worker?'.

Why?

Do I genuinely love children?

Do I feel so so compassionate?

Why?

Do I feel like I can change the world?

I began to recall what my big boss said before 'If you want to feel-good, please don't be in this job. This job is NOT for you to feel good. This job is for you to render practical help. However, more so than ever, many are in this line so that they can feel good. Tell me, who doesn't feel good helping others?'

Am I just waiting for someone to tell me 'Good job, well done!'?

Am I waiting for some kid to tell me 10 years later 'Sandra, thanks for being part of my life. You have helped me so much! I am a changed person because of you!'

God reminded me then 'Do my work. It's my glory, not yours.' No doubt, I can get carried away easily. Recently, I also felt myself becoming more and more cynical. As I look back at my past photos, I began to miss those days where I feel I had more energy, more joy, more strength, more vibes. I am reminded that I have been relying plenty on my own strength and wisdom. I have not yet committed utterly unto God. I have not yet place my trust in Him.

I ask again 'Why do I want to be a social worker?'... I believe strongly that as I remain tight to the vine of love of Christ, people around me will be able to see it. To set eternity in my heart is to do my best in setting eternity in the hearts of others.

The Great Pretender

2009-06-05T00:25:00.002+08:00

5 years ago, my lecturer told me "The theme song for Social Workers is 'The Great Pretender'". I could never fathom what she meant. Now, I can make sense of it.

Today, my colleague asked me "Sandra, 2 years ago, you had the choice to choose to remain where you were or to be transferred to Residential Service right? If you were given the choice again, what would it be?" My immediate reaction was "I would choose to remain put."

I think as much as I always think of the residents first (whether they would be traumatized or not), I have come to realized that I am in the state of trauma myself. For the past month, each time my phone ring, I will be 'fearful' like "Gosh! Is it work again?" I have come to a point whereby the calls and smses I received are mainly work.

Crisis work is honestly, tough. Hard work and heart work. No wonder sometimes I seemed to feel my heart racing faster. In times like these, to be frank, I just wanna take flight. Haa! But holding on and ensuring that I keep close to God or God close to me.

Good night from the Great Pretender.

What have I been doing the past few weeks?

2009-06-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

De-cluttering

I spent long hours de-cluttering my room. I finally packed my CD-roms, my art & craft materials, my notes from school & church, my clothes especially.

I threw and threw and threw away things, especially my clothes. In the previous few years whenever I pack my room, I would look at something and can't bear to give it away. My guiding principle then was "If I can't give it up, just keep it." This time round, my guiding principle "Is this thing going to be just another white elephant in my small room?" With this, I realized that I can throw/give/sell many things away. *Anybody wants clothes?*

De-cluttering my physical mess is therapeutic. As I pack, as I clear the mess and rubbish, to me, it's a very symbolic way of re-starting my life, doing a F5 and refresh. As I clear, I think and I reflect.

Today, I entered my room feeling very good. My room is warm and inviting. Everything seems new in my room. Neat.

A lovely God

2009-05-23T08:24:00.003+08:00

For the lack of words, this is a beautiful video.

These days, I have been thinking about Jesus' charge to us - All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of age.

These words are spoken by Jesus to his 11 disciples and from there, we are where we are now - people who know God, people who loves God, people who bask in God's love, people who knows what forgiveness is, people who experience compassion. I was just thinking, if not for the 11 disciples, where would I be now? If they had not taken the charge of Jesus seriously, would I have known Christ?

Back to where I am now, I am in a X-road where I am seeking for direction, simply if I should call it quits in my job or to continue. For the past 3.5 years in this organization, this thought visits me once in a while. It comes and go. Each time it comes, I seem to pray more (Haa!). Nothing wrong with where I am now really. Just that each time I feel stretched, I feel inadequate. Then I'd pray. Pray I did, peace I didn't feel and so, I often took on the challenges and stayed and the cycle continues.

The process might not be an easy one (cause it is indeed easier to just throw in the resignation letter). However, I did learn a thing or two.

Growth is never easy. I was the only child for 2 years then on my 3rd year, I learned what is sharing my daddy and mummy with this other person called my Sister. Then, I remember when I hit puberty, I had to go through the pains of ugly breakouts and I wished there never ever was this thing called Puberty! And when I hit an older age of adolescence, I go through the pains of getting into a relationship and having my heart broken and I wondered why people ever loved. When I had my first job, the pains of giving the fruits of my labour to my parents and again, I wondered, why people ever marry. Then there are the thousand and one decisions in our daily lives we have to make. Yet thinking back, these somewhat painful yet lovely experience has nurtured me. In every job, there is also a growth chart. We will start out like a baby, then youth, adolescent and then adulthood. I could call it quits but when I go to another organization, it's just the same process I have to go through again.
I learned that I have not sought God enough. I admit it - I am so human that I want to escape. I don't want leadership. I just want to be a normal person receiving 'orders', do my work and that's it. I don't want to fret about staff matters. I don't want to fret about management issues. As I started my wailing, I began questioning what is my purpose in life, God's purpose for me. I can't say that there is a sudden exclamation of 'Eureka!' in my life BUT I am slowing down my pace, taking a step back, having a breather and pray. During CG yesterday, SF said this so true "We are not natural leaders so all the more we have to seek God." Words rang and ringing now!
I've learned that There IS a God. A God who cares for every part of my life. For the past week, my iPod is on the repeat mode for the above song. It has been ministering. Lyrics below, translated to the best that I can.

有一位神 (There is a God)
讚美之泉 Live 實況錄音 – 香港伊利沙伯體育館 Live Worship

有一位神有权能创造宇宙万物
There is a God, He has created the everything in the universe

也有温柔双手安慰受伤灵魂
Yet, He is has a pair of gentle hands to comfort and sooth our pain

有一位神有权柄审判一切罪恶
There is a God, He has every authority to judge every sin (scary)

也有慈悲体贴人的软弱
Yet, He is compassionate, caring and understands our every weaknesses

有一位神我们的神
There is a God, He is our God

唯一的神名叫耶和华
There is only one God, His name is Jehovah

有权威荣光有恩典慈爱
He is mighty and He is the light. He is kind and compassionate.

是昔在今在永在的神
He is the past, He is our present and He is forever our God.

A time for everything

2009-05-17T22:42:00.003+08:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from from his toil?
I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in His time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

Yet another verse that I keep dear to my heart is from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 that encourage all of us to be joyful always, to pray continually and give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

God's plans for us is always one that is for us and not against us. It's always one that has the intention to love us. I hold fast to the promise that as long as I continue to choose to be joyful always, to pray and to give thanks in all circumstances, God is with me. He didn't promise us smooth lives but He did promise us His presence.

Like the prayer of Moses, "Lord if your presence doesn't come with me, I will not go. So Lord, lead. I submit."

Short entry

2009-05-17T01:02:00.003+08:00

Woke up to a dripping nose and aching body today. Woke up to Sparkle's backside on my face too.

Today is the start of my spring cleaning. The last I did it, it took me 1 week. I think this time, it's going to be more than a week.

And yes! Announcing the arrival of my 3rd godson, David. I can't wait to see him.. But I think I better do it the week after. Let my nose stop dripping first.

Nights.

Dark clouds and loud booming thunders

2009-05-11T21:35:00.002+08:00

"It's easy to be depressed. BUT, it's a choice to still be joyful. As we start giving thanks for the minutest things in life, we will then discover it's not tough to be joyful."

Giving thanks today that God held the rain back despite dark clouds and loud booming thunders because it's a rare outdoor outing for my kids.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

2009-05-04T20:44:00.004+08:00

"Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust"

From the time I saw dad's last gasp of breath to dad's motionless right hand to dad's body being brought to the mortuary and subsequently up the van to Singapore Casket to dad's body returning to the wake after embalming to the pallbearers bringing dad's body to Mandai Crematorium to us clearing up dad's various accounts on earth, the above phrase never left my mind, tears often welled up.

Every birth of a child brings about tears of joy. Every last gasp of breath brings about tears of sorrow. It's funny how memories start filling up empty spaces only after the loss of a person. Even a stick of chicken ball has the ability to bring about tears to my eyes, remembering how daddy used to love eating it. Daddy was, especially, cute after his stroke, amidst him being difficult. He gave us interesting and amusing answers but each time, we know that all he wanted was for the good of his family. 2 weeks before his passing, his birthday, I gave dad a birthday card and asked him what was his wish. He didn't ask for good health, he didn't ask for a painless passing. All he asked for was that my sister and I to be happy and have a good life and of course, for us to take care of mummy. Right till the end, stroke or no stroke, his mind is only for his family.

Where there's life, there's death. Where there's death, there's eternal life. Indeed, we come with nothing, we leave with nothing. As we go about settling dad's various account, I noticed how easy it was that the customer service officer close and transfer the account to mummy. When we came to earth, we brought about a Birth Certificate. When we pass on, we brought about a Death Certificate. 2 papers to mark our life's journey.

Thank you all for your heartfelt condolences. I am truly blessed with friends and loved ones who stuck by me during this difficult time. Many had asked me 'How are you?'. Thank you. I am fine, really, because I know that time will heal. I know that one day, I will see daddy in heaven because I know that daddy's with Jesus now.

Daddy

2009-05-01T16:21:00.005+08:00

Daddy passed on on Sunday, 26th April, after his hospitalization on 5th January. Daddy was such a fighter, surviving past a ruptured cyst, bleeding ulcers and 3 heart attacks.

Though daddy is physically no longer with us but I take heart that we will see each other in heaven. God's assurance is that to live is Christ and to die is gain. There will be no more pain and suffering where daddy is now. Only joy and happiness.

*****************************************************************

My eulogy for daddy

No one could ever be a 100% ready to accept the death of a loved one, no matter how prepared. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things that we had to go through especially when it is the loss of a parent.

My daddy was one of those strict fathers whose words are the law of our house. Growing up, my sister and I feared him. Yet, I never could have known that he was teaching me one of life’s most valuable lesson – Fight hard for what you believe in and let nobody bring you down, your family is always behind you. As I grew older, I began to understand that the most important thing that my daddy had was us – my mummy, my sister and I. He loves us with all that he can and with all that he knew how, he protected and shielded us. Yes, for those who know daddy, he was strict but only because he loves us.

I remembered when we were little, my daddy always found time for a game of badminton at night after his work despite tiredness. He was always available whenever we needed him. Once, I fell face flat to the ground and had a bloodied face. Daddy put down whatever he was doing, came straight to school and carried me to the doctor. I remember too that my sister was weak when young, fainting easily and she was brought for various medical checks. Daddy assured her by being with her at all times, reminding her always that no matter what, her family is with her.

Daddy-Daughter time to me was doing handy work at home together. He would be the one standing on top of the ladder and I would be the one handing him the tools, like how the assistant was to the surgeon. I would always know that after drilling a hole, my daddy would need the washer and a hammer. It was often known that I take after my daddy’s handyman skills and my daddy was proud of it. Just 2 years ago when I completed making a lampshade, man! My daddy shows it off to whoever comes to my house.

My daddy was a man of few words but after his stroke 2 years ago, he talked as if he was making up for the lost conversations and unceasingly proclaimed his love for mummy, Carol and I. I remember once, on a very rare occasion, mummy went out, leaving me to take care of daddy. Daddy and I were at the dining table and he started telling me that he might be strict, he might be a very difficult man, but deep down, he really loves his family, he loves mummy, he loves Carol and he loves me dearly. He beamed with joy each time he shared how he courted my mummy.

My daddy is a fighter and he showed strength right up to the end. Despite his ailing health and several heart attacks, my daddy fought well. Towards the last few months, my daddy showed me how he relied on the promise of God. Psalms 27:1 says “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” He was assured each time he hears this verse and this became his anchor verse the last 2 months.

The past 4 months had been a difficult and painful journey for daddy. Yet, before his passing on, daddy looked at peace and he looked heavenward, as if God was welcoming him home. Yes, no one could ever be 100% prepared for the death of a loved one. However, mummy, Carol and I are really happy that though daddy is physically no longer with us, he is home with Jesus, his Lord and Savior.

*****************************************************************

Talents

2009-04-21T13:59:00.003+08:00

Geo and I watched the President's Command Performance on Sunday and was totally awed by some of the performance. What caught me in particular was Abigail Sin and Kam Ning's thanksgiving speech to God, to Him be the all glory and honor.

It was then that I thought of the Parable of the Talents. A master gave his 3 servants 5, 2 and 1 talent each. The servant with the 5 talents invested the 5 and gained 5 more. The second servant invested and gained 2 more. The servant with the 1 talent, in fear, dug a hole and protected that 1 talent by doing nothing with it. As the parable went, after a long time, the servants accounted their talents to their master. The master was VERY pleased with the first two servants who doubled their talents and he was very angry with the servant who did nothing with his 1 talent and chased him out.

As I watched on at the performers, I marveled at them. I marveled at how they had used their ONE talent and brought it to a greater level. I marveled at the hard work and effort they had put in to master that ONE talent to perfection. Not only hard work and effort but how they had put in expression and life into their music. They had put in their heart. And with that one talent they had, they attributed everything back to God.

I began to dig deep and question of my talent, of my gifting. Have I used it well? It's not about honing the MANY MANY things that I love to do, I want to do but honing the ONE thing that God has given me.

Tenacity

2009-04-18T12:06:00.004+08:00

As someone who is trying to guide a few people at work, this is what I have learned - through the hard way. People are assets to an organization. Relationship matters at work.

*This calendar reminds me always to do a check on my critical spirit*

At the same time, to always remind me that God has given me the tenacity to go on despite setbacks and discouragements. Man will disappoint us but God will give us the courage and strength to let go and move up to our next level. Amen!

Grace

2009-04-18T00:15:00.002+08:00

It was as if a drama was unfolding before my eyes since 31 May 2008 as I helped to watch over the lives of 2 children. Fast forward to 17 April 2009's court review, both children received one statement each from the presiding judge. To one, she said "You have improved, good." To another, she sternly commanded "2 years in Boys' Home until you learn how to behave and be good."

Be good. What is good? How to measure?
These 2 questions were racing through my mind the entire afternoon.

A Friday at a court is the saddest place to be in. It's a day set aside to review Care & Protection and Beyond Parental Control cases. Sitting 4 hours at the Juvenile Court today, I observed so much emotions. The parents of the boy who was slapped with 2 years in prison seemed to be rejoicing, making my blood boil. The family of the 'improved' boy was relieved that his court order was pronounced dead. Then, I see a mother screaming at the top of her voice. Opposite me was a lady crying away, cuddling a girl in her arms. At the far corner, a boy was sobbing. In another corner, I see a couple holding hands looking really despondent. I sat, feeling so overwhelmed with deep emotions.

Fast forward to evening time. I was impatiently collecting my car from the workshop when I saw a particular religion decal on this lovely Mercedes E-class - If you want to go to Heaven, just be good.

I stared at it. Wondered. Pondered. What is good? How to measure? Gosh! Be good and then can return to family. Be good and then can go heaven. But....... WHAT IS GOOD?????

As soon as my car was ready, I quickly jumped in and took off for CG. God must have thought that it's time to give my brains a break. As I was driving, the word Grace keep hitting straight into my heart. All of a sudden, I was relieved. I nearly heard myself heaved a sigh of relief. I thank God for His grace. I thank God for His endless mercy.

I don't have to count the number of good things I do in order to go to heaven. I don't have to feel guilty for the lack falling short of doing good. Every day is a brand new day. Every day breathes chance! His mercies are new every day!

Honestly, I didn't feel good the whole day, feeling quite a failure in a way. Discouraged. Disappointed. To me, 1 success case does not make up for 1 failure case so no amount of joy can replace the sadness. However, at the end of the day, I am encouraged that God gives chances. God is gracious. God takes away the guilt, removes my fear and His direction in my life removes confusion.

Yesterday, forgiven.
Tomorrow, chance.

Excitement

2009-04-14T21:36:00.002+08:00

Today my big boss asked me "So Sandra, HOW? Can the team take this uphill task? Can this team come together? Are you excited to manage this team?"

Last week, we had another core team meeting and my big boss asked 3 of us "Can or not? Can stir up some excitement in the team? The team can't work if there is no excitement. Need to motivate! You know ah... This job really needs us to be beyond self and excitement is needed! Else, the work is just work."

Last year, I was moaning over one of the many reports that I had to do. Then in the midst of the moaning session, my immediate supervisor smiled and asked "Do you like doing such reports? Are you excited about it?" Profile reports are just simply something that I really dread doing. I do not detest it. In fact, I do like doing such reports. Just that it's tedious that it takes my time off the actual work that I could be doing with the kids.

There was emphasis on the word excitement. Life is a journey. A journey to be enjoyed. A process to be delighted in. A journey to be excited about. So often, we we go through the daily routine of life that soon, it becomes mundane. A job becomes a job. Life loses its meaning. Excitement & child-likeness is gone.

Yesterday, a resident asked me about Jesus. Then he shared that he cried over the movie, Passion of Christ. And today, over dinner with the same resident, he shared with me that he has recently accepted Christ and he exclaimed "Sandra, don't worry! I am not worried about this Friday's court session because Jesus will help me."

I am absolutely refreshed by the simple faith. When I see this excitement and child-like faith, I just know that this child's journey is certain and has a great plan.

Am I excited about life?

Blessings

2009-04-10T20:54:00.005+08:00

Whenever we talk about blessings, it's often physical things that God has given to us through prayers, through waiting. Today, I just want to give thanks for the things that I have unknowingly taken for granted.

Dinner prepared by mummy daily so I know that no matter how late I knock off from work, I have something warm to eat when I return home. No matter how simple the meal is, it is cooked with love.
Occasional quarrels with sister. Though quarrels' not something we totally enjoy but I am assured by her existence because she has taught me for 30 years how to take care of someone. She has given me the assurance that no matter what happened, she will stand by me.
An exhausting week because of a job. A job that had taught me how to feel the sadness and joy of life. A job that helped me learn how to see life through the eyes of Jesus. A job that gives me my daily physical bread as compared to the many out there who are hungry.
Keys to my home that leads to my bed. I thank God for the privacy that I could have.
Thank God for the fact that I can run, walk, talk, hear, see. I thank God for health that no money can buy.

As compared to the homeless ones, abandoned and abused children, sickly ones, family with bitterness, I am blessed beyond words.

I had a meal with my mum and sis one afternoon and I was sharing with them my week.

My week was filled with 2 major incidents that involved police. Woken up in the middle of the night and never being able to get back to bed, worried. Uptight is probably the word that could described me best. I couldn't sleep well at night, my shoulders are tensed and each time I close my eyes, I dream of my kids. I could only sleep after I prayed and told God to take care of the kids. When I get to work, it's scary. All we could do was trial and error for we know that with children in pain, we never know what we are going to get.

And so, I was sharing with my family my week. Sis made a statement "Actually children really just need family." Then she turned and asked mummy "What if one of our cousins were left orphaned, would you take them in?" My mummy immediately said "Yes! Of course!" Ultimately, we all agreed that the process would be tough but if family do not help, who will?

At that moment, I feel so blessed. So blessed with a family who believes in family, a family who doesn't believe in giving up.

All right, now, I am going to thank God for my enticing bed.

C.O.W.A.R.D.

2009-04-07T22:25:00.003+08:00

Over the weekend, I had a talk with 3 friends, separately. After those chats, I realized something about myself - I am a C.O.W.A.R.D. at work. Suddenly, it all became clear - I had fear in voicing my opinions and in doing that, I created a blurred role at work. I was also lack in confidence in the role that was given to me. The little molehill I built is becoming to look like a mountain, unknowingly.

It was scary having to come to realization. I stand before two paths. Which road should I journey? The down slope, wide lane? Or the steep, narrow path? One is to remain where I am, comfortable going through the motions of life, which means no progress? Or one that requires me to work at gaining muscles?

I decided and resolute that I will NOT remain a coward. It's amazing. When I made that resolution, there were opportunities for me to speak to my superiors. No doubt, there were the initial hesitation in sharing my thoughts and how I feel. However, in fear, I remembered my resolution and learned to speak up.

I shared with 1 of the 3 friends and was encouraged by this statement - "True greatness, true courage doesn't lie in the absence of fear... but in our ability to use it and, in so doing, transcend the very nature of fear itself"

Ultimately, I learned that we should not limit ourselves because my limiting ourselves, we are limiting God to work through us. Letting go and letting God. Easier said than done but rewards are fulfilling.

A handmade gift

2009-03-29T20:16:00.002+08:00

I LOVE handmade gifts! It speaks a lot to me - really. The thought process behind it, the effort put in, the words written. I love it.

Today, I received a gift from Nelson, a very good friend, from a CG which I had recently left (to join HopeKids). A photo album! This friend really know how to buy my heart. Photos and handmade. I am bowled over...! *smile*

Has my name on it! Hee... 恩

My little FerZ CG. FerZ stands for Fervent Zest, Fervently Zealous for God, FerZ.
Yup, I miss them. :)

The man behind all this lovely self-made album.

Today

2009-03-25T22:11:00.006+08:00

How often have I gone "Shit! I should have made the decision yesterday!", "Aiya! Why didn't this happened to me?". Too often we wallow in self pity. Too often we mull over the what-we-have-already-lost and missed on on the what-we-could-have.

I'd be honest. Very honest. I was reading blogs, watching short prayer clips on the happenings Down Under in our Hope Brisbane church. Memories journeyed back to the LC at Hong Kong last year and I was wow-ed by the presence of God when it was the Brisbane's worship band. I thought "Wow!!! I haven't had that type of Wow moment for a long time." (With no offense to anybody in Singapore please)

I started to wonder "What a difference it WOULD would WOULD have made to me if I had continued my stay there in Brisbane!". That thought floated from my left brain to my right brain and soon, it dwindled. Suddenly, I heard a voice telling me "Tell me, what difference COULD you, YES YOU!!, have made if you had remained in Brisbane?".

Trust me, my heart skipped aplenty. I nearly fell off my chair. I thought I could not breathe. Literally. I was shocked and astounded. Immediately, I prayed, sought forgiveness and humbled myself before God. Man! That green question was such a reminder of my selfishness, more of me ME ME, a reminder of my ability to be envious, my ability to be a receiver and not a giver, a reminder of how covetous I can be.

This is not the first time I wondered how different life would have been if I had stayed on in Brisbane (not that I am utterly in love with Brisbane also). However, none of it spoke to me like how God spoke to me this time.

I have only one life to live and I want to live it to the best. I do not want to look back at what I did not do yesterday and regret. I do not want to live in the thought of "What I should have" but to live in the thoughts of "What I already have and can achieve". There is only one Today. By the time it's Tomorrow, Today is gone. Time is the ONLY asset that I can never retrieve. God says that Today is the day that He has made and urged us to be glad and rejoice in it. Yes, there will still be moments of regret but it's ok! I make mistakes.. (Just don't make the same mistake the 2nd time). Hee...

"We demolish arguments and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

God's love

2009-03-25T19:54:00.002+08:00

This ain't new for some but watching it again brims my eyes with tears. Each time I watch, that happens.

Summarized the Christian faith. Summarized God's love.

"For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life."
John 3:16 (Amplified Bible)

Prayer Works!

2009-03-13T23:42:00.002+08:00

I just want to share one thing today:

Prayer works!!! One of my kid's family is one step closer to God! I am just more than overjoyed.. :)

Farewell

2009-03-10T20:55:00.004+08:00

A quick post before I disappear for awhile.

Ferz CG celebrated Zann and my farewell on Saturday. (Yupz, I have moved on to the Hopekids CG and it has been exciting!)

It has been nearly 8 years that I have been under the leadership of Penny, being both my CL and my shepherd. I am grateful for giving her my youth (hee!) because in return, I have gained maturity and wisdom. [Actually, I think it's her giving me HER youth. I must have added a few strands of grey hair]. I believe that if not for her patience, perseverance and love, I would not be where I am right now. She has seen me though the various seasons of my life, Winter, Summer, Autumn and Spring, been with me through my valleys and my peaks.

This is also the CG in which I have gained friendship. Honestly, I am not your usual sociable girl who has plenty of friends outside. Often, I do feel that my life is my church's life. Without my church life (aka CG life), I'd probably have very little social life. Through CG, I have learned how to love people, I have learned how to develop friendships.

Not forgetting that every relationship has its 'sorrows' too. I struggled with CG through its down moments, yet remembering that every struggle is only for the better. I will always remember this CG who loves God because no matter how bad times were, we stuck together for only one purpose - Because we love God.

I am excited to move on because I know that it's for a greater purpose and calling. Cheers!

Learning difficulties

2009-03-05T21:05:00.003+08:00

An Education Psychologist told me today - The challenge in teaching children with learning difficulties is in helping them grasp the concept. We are not to just teach and they do. We are to empower them skills.

I remembered during my University days as I studied as to be an Engineer, I struggled SO much. The ONLY reason why I could get even a 2nd upper honors is simply because I purposefully chose subjects that has Mathematics components in it. However, if you ask me if I understand how those Laplace Transformations or Fourier Series is associated with Digital Signal Processing, I do not know. I only know that Mathematics can be scored well if I practice hard. I studied 2 years. The first year and half was such a torture for me. There was a period of time where my only way of coping was to cry. I cried for a month odd. That sense of frustration was so 'Argh!' that could have the ability to dis-empower my self-esteem (if not for prayers). By God's grace, in my last half year, I began to grasp concepts and was able to understand better. I felt lighter, freer.

I often think that I am a slow learner. I do think that I have what they call 'Learning difficulties" when I was young. To a certain extend, I am able to feel how frustrated my kids can be in their classes. They may be in Primary 6 but their cognitive level could just well be Primary 1. For a child who has the added protective factor to be patient to sit through the class and know how to regulate emotions, good - No acting up, just lots of inner frustrations perhaps. For a child who lacks the patience and self-control, it's no wonder why he would choose to roam around the school compound.

I am typing this out of frustration because I do find that our normal school system does not have the capacity to manage children of lower cognitive level YET not fit into any special needs school. Yes, I am praying for God to intervene in one of my kids. Today, I return home feeling deeply saddened.

I'm so in love with you...

2009-02-28T20:50:00.003+08:00

I am quite a romantic at heart. Don't ask me why I love this song but I love this song. :) To add on, I have always love dancing show.

I often likened my relationship with God like my dancing partner. In a dance, someone has to lead, someone has to follow. In a dance, it cannot be too fast. Neither can it be too slow. It has to be in time.

多麼配合你共我一對
多麼快樂你共我相聚
擁抱著我浸在愛海裡
要是和你沒畏懼
多麼美麗有著你跟我
多麼慶幸我現已清楚
因有著你再沒有一個
這樣完美別出錯
* I'm so in love with you
以後連在一起
不管身份愛著你
願上這一份情的你
I'm so in love with you
以後連在一起
今生都只抱著你
在世間投入愛也因你
可否以後愛著我不變
溫馨片段你共我飾演
所有習慣也願意改變
你沒難過沒怨言
repeat * *
(I do have problem translating though... )

Good perk!

2009-02-26T17:45:00.003+08:00

"Good friends are like stars...
You don't always see them, but you know that they are always there."

Met my best friend in between our busy schedules for breakfast and had more than a wonderful time just talking about the future, birth 'pains', past joy and sorrow.

A good way to perk my VERY tiring morning with only 3 hours of sleep.

We are weak but He is strong!

2009-02-24T20:03:00.004+08:00

I was at home nursing my irritated eye today. Since the last major bout of eye infection, the "system" in my right eye seemed to have weakened.

As I was sitting outside the doctor's room today, I cannot help but thought how a body can easily weaken with time if it's not well taken care of. Thing is - Even if it's well taken care of, it will still break down.

Each time I get an eye infection, each time my eye gets a jabbing sting, there will be this fear that takes away every other thoughts. Will it happened to me? Will I lose my sight? Oh dear, if I lose my sight, what should I do? Must admit that there are moments that my heart skipped a beat when such thoughts cloud my mind.

The Lord spoke very gently, reminding me "My plans are to prosper you my dear daughter... Trust in me and in me only."

Ah huh... I believe that man are weak. We think negative thoughts. We will fall down. We will be disappointed. We will be tugged down by minor setbacks. We will face obstacles. We will be angry time to time. However, it's also said in the Word of God that heaven and earth will fade but God will still remain the same, His promises still stand strong and firm.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong!

Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me, for the bible tells me so.

Nice to be on MC... My dog follow me at my heel! Haa!

Delete and gone

2009-02-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

I often kick myself in my head quite often. Today is no exception. I was sorting my files (photos in particular). I was cutting and pasting and of course, deleting. Unfortunately, it became something "habitual" cause I was at it for nearly an hour.

Sadly, sigh.., unknowingly, I deleted a whole chunk of photos.

Angry.
Sad.
Melancholic.
Frustrated.
Exasperated.
Irritated.
Furious.
Raging.
Cross.
Gloomy.
Downcast.

Search deep!

2009-02-21T00:28:00.002+08:00

I had given away my guitar.

One day, Geo took out my guitar and strummed casually and man! It sounded heavenly! I immediately threw a "temper tantrum" and said that the guitar is UNFAIR! It sounded so good when Geo touched it and more than terrible when my fingers touched those 6 strings. Right. Crazy or what? I blamed the guitar.

I took up guitar about 7 years ago. There is always this desire to master guitar but my will always defer from my desire. There seemed to be something more important to do, to practice, to attain. 3 years ago, I did try at it again - I set it as my goal for the year. Year end, I still can't get past the one and only song I knew.

Last year, I decided to hand my dusty guitar to the master in music (in my opinion.. Heehee...). Temper tantrums aside, lack of practice aside, lack of will aside, I have come to realize that my guitar is NEVER at fault. The strings are already attached, the music notes are already there, I just need to find it.

Recently, boss sent this email. It's way cool!

Many years ago my friend took guitar lessons from David Bromberg, a recording artist and famous sessions player. When my friend entered David's house he heard beautiful music emanating from his guitar. My friend asked, "How do you make those notes on your guitar? I can't make them on mine." David answered, "All the notes you will ever need are already in the guitar, you just have to find them."

Isn't that also true of children? All the answers we will ever need are inside the child, we just have to find them.

Richard L. Curwin

Expectations

2009-02-19T14:07:00.003+08:00

Unexpectedly, I received a call from a friend and it has been a long time that I chatted over the telephone. I was already thinking of keeping my phone to the storeroom.

Expectation.

A word that could bring us to a greater height or bring us down the pit.

I have heard some parents telling me exasperatedly that they do not want to expect anything from their child because the child will never meet it. Then I'd wondered if the child will have any goals to work towards to?

Then I have heard of couples' quarrel 'screaming' exactly like the comic strip below "Do it MY WAY!".

It is very easy to take those close to us for granted and start placing expectations. A balanced expectation will bring about wellness and great height. A lopsided expectation brings a relationship downhill.

25

2009-02-18T23:30:00.002+08:00

I was tagged in my FB. Thought I'd just share it here. Not going to tag anyone. Just do it if you wanna think of 25 things! Haha!!

===================================================================

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

Right... I have been reading on 25 facts/random things/habits/goals of friends. Tagged once and was a tad lazy. Tagged twice and thought 'Why not try?'

I am pretty what you see what you get kinda person so nothing too new about me that friends do not know.

Here goes...

1. I can be VERY lazy if I want to. Else, I can be overly hardworking.

2. I love jigsaw puzzles.

3. I enjoy TVB serials. Sucker for stories that talk of saving people like firefighting, detectives, etc.

4. I finally bought a new mobile after 7 years. Not that my old mobile lasted me 7 years but in between, I was blessed with VERY usable 2nd PDA mobiles.

5. Working with children's always what I wanted but somehow, bad results landed me in Engineering.

6. I love my family now. Hated them when young.

7. Barely have more than 10 friends (in school) throughout my Primary & Secondary School days.

8. I was in a school choir, Alto group. Was part of the Singapore Jubilee Celebration (25th birthday) as a choir member.

9. Goals: I would still want to work with people in the long run. Social work now is still very broad. One day, I would narrow it down. As for my dream, always want to own a flower shop. =)

10. I love bright colors. But nothing beats the simple black and white.

11. I used to make little earnings from making accessories & wedding decorations when I was jobless. (Anymore lobangs?)

12. I have never been hospitalized before.

13. I am color coordinated. Haa!

14. I love bedsheets from Aussino.

15. I am a word-game / strategic person - Scrabble, Upwords, Boggle, Otello, Cluedo, Guesstures, Taboo. Love it all!

16. I can't do without my iPod, mobile, toothbrush & toothpaste, watch & ironed clothes when I go out.

17. I have a fantastic supervisor at work.

18. I love Hong Kong. Have a pact with a friend that we will do it once in 2 years. (Must check my pocket)

19. I love to take photographs.

20. I love boat rides.

21. I love to work with my hands.

22. I love children. That explains my job.

23. I have a QUITE a huge wardrobe (which Geo got really worried one day).

24. I have sweet tooth, especially desserts.

25. Finally the last one!!! I am reflective.

Daddy

2009-02-16T16:37:00.005+08:00

"Critical condition, dangerously ill, still in the woods, not stable, etc"

A few of the dreaded words I had been listening to since 5 Jan. That day, dad was admitted to the hospital for a case of internal bleeding. 14 Feb, he was admitted to the hospital again for another case of internal bleeding.

When I saw my dad lying on the hospital bed yesterday, I can't help but feel sad. A strong man he was. Yet, he seemed defeated and so fighting for survival. As I saw my dad teared, I felt like crying myself but I held back.

Daddy.

I have known daddy for 32 years. Yes, that is my age this year. He has always been a strong man. Honestly, if you ask me, my early childhood memories of dad was not the best. He was very strict with sis and myself - am sure it's because we are girls. He was very well-known for his anger, which I think I might have inherited unfortunately. I remember running around him just so as as to avoid getting caned. I often likened his voice to thunder, scary. I stayed on the 10th storey and my ears were so in tuned to the sound of his keys and car's remote control that I will run straight to my bed and pretend to sleep.

However, the past few weeks, I was trying to recall more memories of my time spent with daddy. I took out some photos of my childhood. The one photo which really captured me was this very cute one at the swimming pool (whoopz! My first naked photo! Hee!)

I remember my parents often say that I grew up being a swimmer because my parents brought me swimming when I was VERY young. Another photo shows me sitting on my daddy's shin in the baby pool. Then, I recalled there was one day (I think I was very young, in Primary school) when my dad fell very very ill. I was so worried that I slept seated on a chair by his bed.

Even as I am typing this, I have no idea how to end this entry. I am just reminiscing and deep in thoughts these days.

Perfect!

2009-02-12T21:23:00.004+08:00

I have been advised recently that no matter what happens, always remain firm in God. Always keep His word close to my heart. I got a little reflective, put on my reflecting cap and started to think of the turning points I had in my Christian walk.

Coincidentally, this is the verse of the day from my devotion -

Proverbs 3:5-6

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

⁶ in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I had initially typed out a WHOLE chunk of reflections but here's the short version - the very very first time I am doing this disclosure - but standing TALL and proclaiming that God is good, in ALL circumstances. He has a purpose for me with a blueprint of my life all mapped out. So here goes...

Before REALLY knowing God (born to a church-going family), I was an insecure person. I looked for love in all the wrong places and got into a boy-girl relationship when I was barely 15 years old. Things got worse and we finally parted our ways. When we parted our ways, was also when I stopped going to church. Getting in & out of relationships thereafter became quite a norm to me until I met the ONE (whom I thought would REALLY be THE one). After 5 years, we broke up and I went to Oz to further my studies. Again, I was IN & OUT of relationships. Norm norm norm....

Finally, I surrendered my life to God when I was in Oz but it took me a long time before I digested God's commandment to be equally yoked. Relationships were still a stronghold in my life. Never knew really how to love a person. Also, never really saw the importance of being equally yoked until I realized how difficult life can be when one is unequally yoked.

By the time I realized it, with all my heart, I surrendered myself to God, trusting in Him. I finally decided that it's time to meet God face to face with all my deeply rooted issues and surrendered to him. I fasted from relationship, wanting to learn from the Word of God, what love is, what loving myself means, what loving others means. Not only do I not wish to hurt anybody else anymore, I really do not wish to hurt myself.

Therefore, despite knowing that Geo likes me, I rejected him once because I was not too sure if I, myself, were ready - ready to love and be loved, ready to share of my past. Naturally, there was slight fear that the one rejection might be rejection forever. Thank God, I have found someone who is stubborn, or should I say persistent. A year odd later, last year, Geo asked me again if I would like to bring the friendship to another level. This time, I was more confident of myself, I was confident of the 4-year friendship we had. More importantly, I was sure that it's God's timing.

"Love is too strong a word to say it too early yet, Love is too meaningful a word to say it too late." Nothing is too late in God's eyes because His timing is always perfect. I believe that if I had agreed to being with Geo at first instance, I might still be ironing out my internal issues. People say that God is good all the time, I say God is real and He really really loves us. He WILL grant us the desires of our heart IF we follow His ways.

Our Valentine's date with Francis Yip at Sg Indoor Stadium

Baked Pasta

2009-02-12T19:12:00.004+08:00

A friend stayed over a few days back and it was her turn to prepare dinner. The last time, I cooked Luncheon meat & egg noodles. This time, it was baked pasta. When we looked at the done product, we thought we could NEVER finish it. We were absolutely wrong. Every single bit was into our stomach. I could still taste the cheese and egg. We've calculated. The casserole dish is 8.5" in diameter so each of us has about 1.2 litres of pasta, cheese, chicken, egg in our stomach. Haa!

Next round, my turn, it will be Ikea's Swedish meatballs. Till then.

Jerseys

2009-02-12T18:39:00.004+08:00

Today I brought a child to CGC and he came in a Juventus soccer jersey. I was playing around with his mobile as he showed me the pictures inside. There was a picture of Liverpool FC, Chelsea FC and many others.

Honestly, all the logos look alien to me. Tell me the name, I know (er, I have never heard of Juventus till today). Show me the logo without the name, I am lost.

Unfortunately, I angered my sister last night. She was asking me for her red Manchester United Jersey but I really cannot recall how the Manchester United jersey looked like. Neither could I remember borrowing it. She must be real pissed cause I did not offer to even look for it in my wardrobe. Usually, I would. However, timing was slightly not right as I was in a grave conversation (to my opinion) with a friend who stayed over.

It is really unfortunate because sister really found it in my wardrobe (my heart must have skipped not one but two beats). Even more unfortunate, the styrofoam-like glued-on logo peeled off because it was folded (and my heart skipped even more beats). My bad, my bad.

A few mistakes made - I forgot it's with me; I didn't offer to search for it; the logo peeled off. Sister must be thinking "Wah liao eh! Everytime lend her something, sure spoilt. I have never spoilt her tops." I guess I must be quite "lucky" in a sense because my clothes were never attractive enough for sister to borrow. "Unlucky" in another sense because even a top that I borrowed can be spoilt from a dripping clothing from above.

That said, I better refrain from borrowing anymore clothes from her. I am blogging this because, well, I really feel sorry. This is also a reminder to myself the consequences of a careless mistake. Naturally, my sister was angry with me and again, we had a mini cold war. Despite the conversation that was still going on with my friend, I was thinking how to ever make up. I guess the best 'gift' I can really give myself is to give myself lesser of such "heart-attacks". I better just stick to whatever I have inside my own wardrobe.

Masterpiece

2009-02-10T22:04:00.006+08:00

Geo and I started a personal project - Jigsaw puzzle - yesterday. We had a mini bickering session yesterday. I 'scolded' Geo for choosing such a difficult one. He asked me why didn't I stop him. Nonetheless, we enjoyed spending 3 hours seated on the floor, with an aching bum thereafter.

In the midst of it, Geo passed a comment "Whoever who invented jigsaw very smart hor?"

I can't help but agree. Before we started on this puzzle, I made sure that I counted the total number of pieces. It has to be 1000 exactly. Nothing more. Nothing less. If it's not 1000, we would not even spent a minute on this puzzle. Every piece is so unique. No one shape is the same. No one piece has the same picture on it. However, every piece plays a part in creating a masterpiece.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. Every life plays a part to create a masterpiece. Every life contributes their uniqueness.

Stillness

2009-02-08T22:54:00.005+08:00

Some river in Tasmania

"Stillness is always the prerequisite for receptivity."

Psalms 46:10 tells us to be still and know that He is God. He will be exalted among the nations. He will be exalted in the earth.

In anticipation & in stillness for God - for great things to happen.

Plans

2009-02-08T00:40:00.003+08:00

Ok, I have finally did something which I never thought I would have done - placing my dad in a Nursing Home.

I had to convince myself that this is in the best interest for my dad.

Having to be tube fed, not knowing the capability of Dad's physical movement, the doctors at CGH was a tad unwilling to discharge my dad as the after-care was dodgy. They had to discharge my dad as an Acute Hospital is not the best place for recovering patients. However, the doctors were worried that my mum is unable to assist my dad in his daily care.

A few suggestions:

For my dad to be admitted to a Community Hospital. Due to my dad's previous track record, the Community Hospital rejected his request for admission two times. Doctors also suggested for us to get a helper.
Getting a helper. However, knowing my dad's character, getting a helper will not be helpful. My dad will not allow a stranger to help him, especially with daily routine.

Finally, when it seemed like it's a dead end, the doctor suggested Day Care. We checked out our nearest Day Care and realized they are also a Nursing Home. Mum & sis spoke to dad asking him if he would like to go for Day Care. Sadly, he said he wants a Nursing Home instead, unfortunately.

After some findings, we were gladdened that the Nursing Home has physiotherapist, doctors and nurses. We are hoping to get a speech therapist in to assess my dad's swallowing.

I am praying against his resistance for therapy.

As I am typing this, I am reminded from Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.". So far, many of what is happening are plans that we have in mind. Ultimately, I am committing dad into God's hands.

Loving Beyond Reason

2009-02-04T21:38:00.005+08:00

"The test of love is that it gives even when there is no expectation of a return." - Love Beyond Reason, John Ortberg

There is this story in this book that touched me greatly:

It speaks of an 8-year old boy who had a younger sister dying of leukemia. He was told that without a blood transfusion, she will die. His parents asked if the doctors could test his blood to check for compatibility. He tested and it was positive. Moving forward, he was asked if he would give his sister a pint of his own blood as it could be her only chance of living. The brother replied that he would think about it overnight.

The next day, he told his parents that he was willing to donate his blood. They went to the hospital and both brother and sister were hooked up to the IVs. The boy lay silently as he watch the blood dripped from the IV. When the doctor came and asked the brother how he was doing, the brother asked "How soon until I start to die?"

I was very touched. It wasn't the first time I was reading this story. It was probably the 3rd or 4th time. Yet, it still touched me. I questioned myself if I could ever give my life to someone unfailingly. Would I really be able to give without expecting something in return? Would I? Would I be able to love unceasingly?

Jesus asked Peter after his resurrection if Peter loves Jesus. Peter answered "Yes", "Yes" & "Yes", 3 times. After the 3rd time, Jesus told Peter that if Peter really loves Jesus, Peter should feed His sheep.

As the author has put it nicely "Love me, love my ragged dolls." We are like a ragged doll, pained by the baggage of the past, burdened by current issues, hurt by loved ones, made one mistakes after another. I had been a ragged doll before. I still am a ragged doll. Been through struggles before. Still struggling now and then. As I look back at my journal today, reading through the struggles, reading through my sins, I am amazed what a HUGE heart God has.

A tough question I asked myself - Have I, at least tried, to be a good shepherd? Have I fed my sheep?

Quality Time

2009-02-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

Festive season is not only about eating (in my 2-cents worth of opinion as I do not snack much). More so, it's about meeting up with friends.

A few days back, it was chatting for about 1.5 hours over a cup of Hot Fudge Sundae. Yesterday, just simply played with my godsons, chatted with best friend. In a blink of an eye, 4 hours was gone. In the evening, I talked non-stop with my buddy for over 2.5 hours over steamboat. As if it wasn't enough, went on further to our favorite Hong Kong dessert. And today, time spent with CG was relaxing at Noel's place over lunch.

Over the years, I have come to realize that my language of love is Quality Time. It really doesn't matter how often I meet my friends. It's more of how qualitative the meet up was.

Anyway, just a few pics to feast the eyes.

A VERY nice restaurant in the heart of Singapore City - McDonalds, beside Bras Basah Centre. Catching up with Chris before he flies off, again.

Again, no words can describe how much I love my best friend and her sons, my godsons. I am very thankful to God for putting her in my life. I am blessed by her friendship. Sadly, I didn't have opportunity to grab a picture of Matt.

In just 1.75 hours, a feast was whipped up by Noel & Yanling. What I did to contribute? Nothing. Heehee...